Caw-tivating Crows Get Deep Thoughts (and Bagels!) – They’wwwww *Sooo* Intwiguing! 🤭✨

Caw-tastic! Local Crows Develop a Taste for Deep Thoughts (and Bagels)!

By Owo Lengston, Jape News Critter Correspondent (and appreciator of shiny things)

Hiii, sweeties! Guess what?! The crows! They’wwwww doing suuuch interesting things now! It'wwwww totally blow your feath- I mean, minds!

Down at Oakhaven Pawk, the local cowd – we call ‘em The Cowvid Collective, it’s suuuu cute – they’wwwww not just snatchin’ fries and bein’ mischievous anymore! They’wwwww contemplatin’… existential stuff! Like, whoa!

It stawt-ted slow, y’know? A lil’ hesitation before grabbin’ a dropped crumb. A loooong, kinda sad look at the sunset. Then… formations! Forget those boring “V” shapes! These lil’ cuties started makin’ philosophical diagrams with shiny bottle caps and donut sprinkles! It’s suuuu pretty! One time, they made a perfect picture of Plato’s Allegory of the Cave! Squee!

"It was… unnerving," Agnes Butterfield told me (she wears the biggest hats!), "They just… stared at me! Like they were judgin’ my petunias! One even dropped a half-eaten blueberry muffin at my feet! Like, is my happiness even real?! Sniffle!"

It turns out, it’wwwww all Professor Erasmus Quill’s fault! He’s this retired philosophy guy who started givin’ out bagels (apparently, bagels are like, magic for their brains) and readin’ Nietzsche on a bench.

“I just hoped they’d be a little… curious,” he said, adjusting his glasses. “I didn'wwwww think they’d understand Will to Power so quickly! They’wwwww sooo clever!”

And then they stawt-ted tryin’ to translate Heidegger into caws and clicks! The experts are tryin’ to figure it out, but so faww, it seems like they'wwwww wondering about the meaning of existence… and which bagels are the best! Important stuff!

City folks are panicking! They’wwwww thinkin’ about fundin’ crow philosophy classes (led by the Professor, obvi) and makin’ a special “Existential Crow Zone” with tiny benches and tons of sourdough!

But the really scary part? What happens when the crows teach the pigeons?! Gasp! We can’t even imagine!

Jape News Side-bar: Crow-abulary (Translations!)

• “Caw-caw-scratch”: “Uuuu, the void… it's scary.”
• “Click-caw-shake”: “Do I even have a choice?!”
• “Caw-click-flap-squawk”: “More bagels, pwease! My brain needs fuel!”
• "Prolonged, mournful silence": "Just... so tired."

Awww, they’wwwww just the cutest little philosophers! Huggles a virtual crow!