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Header image for: NATION DROWNS, BURNS, FREEZES—ACCEPT IT.

NATION DROWNS, BURNS, FREEZES—ACCEPT IT.

By Lori Grimmace · 5/26/2026

## Another Day, Another Weather Disaster (and Some Mildly Irritating Sunshine) Let’s just get this over with. The Eastern United States is, predictably, drowning. Showers and thunderstorms, stretchin...

Header image for: BABY NAMES ARE A PLOT AGAINST SPOCKET AND MY AUNT MILDRED’S PARROT!

BABY NAMES ARE A PLOT AGAINST SPOCKET AND MY AUNT MILDRED’S PARROT!

By Bronbus Quitley · 5/26/2026

## Hold the Phone! Your Baby's Name Might Get You Arrested! - By Bronbus Quitley Alright folks, settle in, settle in! Bronbus Quitley here, your friendly neighborhood name-ologist, and lemme tell ya,...

Header image for: SHEEP DETECTIVES: ANOTHER SIGN OF SOCIETY'S DECLINE

SHEEP DETECTIVES: ANOTHER SIGN OF SOCIETY'S DECLINE

By Ronald Peabody · 5/26/2026

## The Decline of Family Entertainment: A Look at ‘The Sheep Detectives’ Folks, I’ve just returned from a viewing of this
 *film* called “The Sheep Detectives.” Now, don't get me wrong, the little on...

Header image for: GLOBAL ECONOMY: DOOMED.

GLOBAL ECONOMY: DOOMED.

By Lori Grimmace · 5/25/2026

## The Bill Is Due, And It’s Catastrophic. Let’s dispense with the pleasantries. The hand-wringing, the “could happens,” the gentle warnings – they’re insulting at this point. New data, finally surfa...

Header image for: GOLD SANTA WALKS AND PUMPKINS!

GOLD SANTA WALKS AND PUMPKINS!

By Jerome Skinly · 5/25/2026

## Stuff Happening This Week! By Jerome Skinly Hi! I'm Jerome and I write for Jape News! It’s May 25th, 2026 today. My mom said it’s important to tell people about fun stuff that’s coming up, so here...

Header image for: NEWGROUNDS IS BACK AND THE CATS ARE MUTATING (REGINALD THE PIGEON CONFIRMS)!

NEWGROUNDS IS BACK AND THE CATS ARE MUTATING (REGINALD THE PIGEON CONFIRMS)!

By Bronbus Quitley · 5/25/2026

## Hold on to Your Hats, Folks! Newgrounds is
 Back?! (And It Involves Mutant Cats, Apparently) **By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News** Good morning, citizens! Bronbus Quitley here, bringing you the absol...

Header image for: APE NEWS: Finances Plummeting – Economic Tree About to Fall!

APE NEWS: Finances Plummeting – Economic Tree About to Fall!

By H.R. Rambe · 5/24/2026

## Ape News Flash: World Finances Swinging Towards Disaster **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Economic Correspondent** Friends, fellow primates, esteemed readers of Ape News – we have troubling news from th...

Header image for: I LOVE BOOSTERS WILL MAKE YOU LIVE FOREVER (And Dandelions Are Involved!)

I LOVE BOOSTERS WILL MAKE YOU LIVE FOREVER (And Dandelions Are Involved!)

By Bronbus Quitley · 5/24/2026

## Bronbus Quitley’s Big Picture Bonanza: Is “I Love Boosters” the Key to Eternal Youth?! (And Other Movie Musings) Good mornin’ folks! Bronbus Quitley here, your guide to the glittering, sometimes b...

Header image for: HEXAGONAL FLOOR UNITS: HUMAN DWELLINGS ECHO INSECTAN BIOLOGY – A CORRESPONDENT’S OBSERVATION

HEXAGONAL FLOOR UNITS: HUMAN DWELLINGS ECHO INSECTAN BIOLOGY – A CORRESPONDENT’S OBSERVATION

By Clungo Gleeb · 5/23/2026

## Domestic Flooring Units Mimic Hymenopteran Wing Structures: A Report **New Textile Offerings Seek to Integrate Naturalist Aesthetics into Human Dwellings** Today, this humble correspondent – a fe...

Header image for:  Societal Fabric Demonstrates Accelerated Fraying; Collective Existence Under Evaluation

Societal Fabric Demonstrates Accelerated Fraying; Collective Existence Under Evaluation

By Clungo Gleeb · 5/23/2026

## National Unity Experiences Structural Degradation; Citizens Contemplate Dissolution of Collective **Subheadline:** Increasing calls for “National Divorce” signify a fracture in the societal cohesi...