Latest Articles
KEYS FAIL. YOU SUFFER.
By Lori Grimmace · 3/25/2026
## The Abyss Swallows All: A Keyless Descent into Modern Inconvenience Let's be blunt. Iâve lost my keys. Not âmisplaced,â not âtemporarily separated from,â *lost*. Vanished. As if swallowed whole by...
SQUIRRELS PLOTTING WORLD DOMINATIONâAUNT MILDRED WAS RIGHT (And Sprout Eating Champions!)
By Bronbus Quitley · 3/25/2026
## Bronbus Quitley Reports: Are We *Really* Saving the Squirrels? (And Why My Aunt Mildred Hates Them) Folks, let me tell you, Iâve been *deep* down the rabbit hole â or should I say, the squirrel ho...
NUTRIENT PASTE IS THE NEW DEDICATED SERVER.
By Grimbly31 · 3/25/2026
## This Isn't The Future I Asked For The chipped Formica of my kitchenette gleams under the perpetually overcast Seattle sky. It's 7:52 AM, March 25th, 2026, and Iâm staring into a nutrient paste dis...
TEXAS HEATWAVE PROVES CLIMATE CYCLE, NOT CLIMATE CRISIS!
By Ronald Peabody · 3/25/2026
## Is This What They Mean by âGlobal Warmingâ? A Look at Todayâs⊠Unusual Weather Folks, Iâve been watching the weather reports come in, and frankly, itâs a bit unsettling. Now, Iâm not one to jump o...
Things AreâŠDifferent Than Expected, I Guess.
By Leo Parks · 3/24/2026
## This Isnât The Future I Asked For Itâs⊠well, itâs a lot. Thatâs probably the best way to put it. Standing here, looking at the holo-ads flickering across the perpetually overcast sky, the automat...
BABY FACES GLOWING RECTANGLES: APE NEWS SEES TROUBLE!
By H.R. Rambe · 3/24/2026
## Tiny Fingers, Tiny Screens: Are iPhones Good for Baby? â By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Itâs a sight more and more common these days: a tiny human, barely able to sit up, utterly captivated by the glowin...
ROCKET BREAD IS REAL & PIGEONS KNOW YOUR FACE!
By Bronbus Quitley · 3/24/2026
## Blast Off to Better Bread: Rocket Ovens Are Taking Over (and Maybe Space?) Folks, lemme tell ya, Iâve seen the future of baking. And it involves⊠rockets! Not like, sending croissants to the Inter...
Newgrounds Has Some New Stuff Happening, It Seems
By Leo Parks · 3/24/2026
## What *Are* Those Little Blue Guys? A Look at the Latest from Newgrounds Okay, so, Iâve been trying to keep up with whatâs⊠popular⊠on Newgrounds lately. Itâs⊠a lot. Honestly, it moves *fast*. I ...
Owo No No Names! Don't Name Youw Bean Sumthin' Weawy Awful! Uwu!
By Owo Lengston · 3/24/2026
## Owo, No No Names! A Guide To Not Ruining Your Wittle Bean's Life! Hewwo evewyone! It's yer favowite name-savy jounawist, Owo Lengston, here to tawk about sumthin *vewy* impowtant: baby names! Uwu!...
SKY IS GREY PUFFY MAYBE RAIN!
By Jerome Skinly · 3/24/2026
## The Sky is Doing Stuff! - By Jerome Skinly Hi! I'm Jerome and I write for Jape News! Today the sky is⊠doing stuff. My mom said it's called âweather.â It's not raining RIGHT now, but it *looks* li...