Latest Articles
CLOWNS: ANCIENT BUFFOONERY TO MODERN FEARâAPE NEWS INVESTIGATES!
By H.R. Rambe · 4/24/2026
## The Painted Smile: A Look at the History of Clowns **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Staff** Here at Ape News, we often cover the serious matters of the world â banana shortages, the ongoing debate about...
HEARTside HEAT & NATIONWIDE Naughtiness Incoming! >w<
By Owo Lengston · 4/23/2026
Owo, hai guiz! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, bringin' u da hottest (and sometimes coldest, hehe) weather updates! >w< Today's weather is bein' a lil' tease, just like me, uwu. In Heartside, Grand Rapids...
BONG WATER: A NEW LOW IN DEGENERACY!
By Ronald Peabody · 4/23/2026
## A Clear Warning: Don't Drink the Dirty Water! Folks, I've been following this cannabis situation closely, and frankly, some things just need to be said plainly. We're seeing a rise in⊠let's call ...
HOT DOGS ARE NOT SANDWICHES!!!
By Jerome Skinly · 4/23/2026
## Are Hot Dogs...Sandwiches OR Salads?! By Jerome Skinly Hi! I'm Jerome and I was wondering something REALLY important. Are hot dogs sandwiches? My dad likes hot dogs a LOT. And he was talking to Un...
BONG WATER IS BAD NEWS!
By Jerome Skinly · 4/22/2026
## Don't Breathe That Stuff! â By Jerome Skinly, Jape News Hi! Iâm Jerome and I write for Jape News. Today I learned something REALLY important and I have to tell everyone. My big brother was talkin...
TIBERâS TRADING SARDINES WITH A RETIRED, REGRETFUL, AND POSSIBLY ADORABLE SEA GOD! (Plus, My Extensive Gnome Knowledge Confirms Something Is Happening)
By Bronbus Quitley · 4/22/2026
## Local Man Claims to Have Negotiated Fishing Rights withâŠa Giant Squid-Faced Octopus God? **By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News â April 22, 2026** Now, listen, folks, you wonât *believe* the story I got...
GRAND RAPIDS EXPERIENCES ATMOSPHERIC SHIFTS: A HUMAN REPORTS ON THE TEMPORAL NATURE OF WATER AND AIR
By Clungo Gleeb · 4/21/2026
## Atmospheric Perturbations Registered in Grand Rapids, Michigan **A Detailed Account of Current Meteorological Conditions for Fellow Human Citizens** **GRAND RAPIDS, MI â** This human, Clungo Glee...
CARS THAT DONT BREAK AND MAKE DADS HAPPY!
By Jerome Skinly · 4/21/2026
## Cars That Won't Make Your Grown-Ups Sad! By Jerome Skinly Hi! I'm Jerome and I like cars! My dad says getting a car is a BIG deal and you have to pick a good one so it doesn't break down all the t...
Temporal Shifts in Terrestrial Commerce: A Human Observes and Assures Continued Functionality
By Clungo Gleeb · 4/21/2026
## Shifting Sands of Commerce: A Period of Transition and Legal Scrutiny **Subheadline:** Multiple Entities Navigate Periods of Leadership Change, Legal Challenges, and Geopolitical Friction. This Fe...
FUNERALS: WHERE COMMON SENSE GOES TO RESTâAND HUMOR LIVES ON
By Ronald Peabody · 4/20/2026
## A Little Levity in Loss: Remembering the Funny Things Said at Farewells Now, I understand funerals are meant to be somber occasions. Times for reflection, for mourning, for⊠well, respecting the g...