Latest Articles
WEATHER IS A DISGRACE.
By Lori Grimmace Ā· 3/17/2026
## This Weather is an Insult Letās be clear: the weather isnāt *interesting*. It simply *is*. And right now, itās offensively mediocre, bordering on actively hostile. Reports are flooding in ā natura...
šIs Dat A Sandwitch, Taco, OwO Sallad?!šøš³
By Owo Lengston Ā· 3/17/2026
## Owo, Is Dat a Sandwhich or...A SALLAD?! ššø Hewwo evweyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, hewe to tackle a vewy impowtant question dat's been keepin' me up at nightā¦and maybe gettinā me a widdle *ex...
Some People Are Reallyā¦ Doing Things To Their Cars, Huh?
By Leo Parks Ā· 3/17/2026
## Wellā¦ Thatās Different: A Look at Some Truly Unique Car Modifications Itās always been a thing, hasnāt it? Making your car *you*. A fresh coat of paint, maybe some new rims. But latelyā¦ well, late...
BEE CARPETS ARE AN INSULT.
By Lori Grimmace Ā· 3/16/2026
## The Buzz is All Wrong: On the Absurdity of āBee Carpetsā Letās address the elephant ā or rather, the *swarm* ā in the room. āBee carpets.ā The phrase itself feels like a prank dreamt up by someone...
HOLIDAYS ARE HAPPENING EVERYWHERE INCLUDING ZEELAND (And Possibly With Pigeons)!
By Bronbus Quitley Ā· 3/16/2026
## Is It A Holiday? Who Knows Anymore?! (A Bronbus Quitley Special Report) Good morning, folks! Bronbus Quitley here, bringing you the *real* news. And boy, is there a LOT happening this week. Like, ...
AI MIND-READING: APE NEWS WARNS OF FAST CHANGE!
By H.R. Rambe Ā· 3/16/2026
## Ape News: The World Changes Faster Than We Can Groom! - Rambe Reports **By H.R. Rambe, Chief Correspondent, Ape News** Greetings, fellow apes and discerning readers! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you...
BAD NAMES ARE SILLY!
By Jerome Skinly Ā· 3/15/2026
## Don't Name Your Baby That! By Jerome Skinly Hi! Iām Jerome and Iām seven! My mom says Iām a good writer, so I'm writing for Jape News! Today I learned about baby names. Not *good* baby names, but ...
Cyber Attacks Surge: Is Biden Sabotaging Our Defenses?
By Ronald Peabody Ā· 3/15/2026
## A Nation Under Siege: Cybersecurity Threats Mount as Agencies Struggle to Keep Pace Folks, let's be frank. Weāre living in a digital Wild West, and frankly, it's a mess. The last month has been a ...
BABIES NEED TOYS NOT SHINY THINGS!
By Jerome Skinly Ā· 3/15/2026
## Should Babies Have iPhones? By Jerome Skinly, Age 7 Hi! Iām Jerome and Iām seven! My teacher, Ms. Davis, asked us to write about stuff. I was thinkingā¦ should babies have iPhones? Like, the *real*...
TURTLES, PIXELS, MAGICCON! APE NEWS REPORTS MANAVERSE MAYHEM!
By H.R. Rambe Ā· 3/14/2026
## Shellshocked Strategists & Digital Dimensions ā Ape News on the Manaverse! Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest from the world of Magic: The Gathering, or as *we* c...