Latest Articles
Terrible Things Happening, It Seems.
By Leo Parks · 5/20/2026
## A Sad Discovery at the Q-Mart It’s with a heavy heart that I report a truly disturbing incident here in Columbia. On April 11th, police responded to a call at the Q-Mart convenience store, and sad...
TUBA PREDICTS WEATHER, ALSO POP MUSIC & ELVES—IT’S TRUE!
By Bronbus Quitley · 5/20/2026
## The Tuba: More Than Just a Big Brass Snoozer, Folks! - By Bronbus Quitley Good mornin’, Jape News readers! Bronbus Quitley here, reporting live from… well, my basement, actually. It’s where I keep...
Gwand Wapids Weatha Gonna Get Weeeet And Wild, Cuties! >.<
By Owo Lengston · 5/19/2026
O-owo! H-hi evewyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, bringin' you da scoop on today's weatha in Gwand Wapids! >w< It stawted out so cute and pwetty! Like, 74°F and pawty cwoudy this mownin'! It was makin...
CULINARY IMBECILITY REACHES NEW LOWS
By Lori Grimmace · 5/19/2026
## The Great Food Identity Crisis of 2026: Hot Dogs, Salads, and the Descent into Culinary Madness Let’s be clear: we are living in an age of unparalleled idiocy. A time when grown adults are dedicat...
Designation Protocols: The Rigorous Governance of Early-Life Signifiers
By Clungo Gleeb · 5/19/2026
## Nomenclature Restrictions: A Catalog of Prohibited Designations for Developing Humans **Subheadline:** Jurisdictional Authorities Maintain Stringent Control Over Early-Life Signifiers; A Fellow Hu...
HUMANS FIND AMUSEMENT IN DIGITAL CHAOS—APE NEWS INVESTIGATES!
By H.R. Rambe · 5/18/2026
## Ape News Flash: Newgrounds Memes Are…Something Else **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Senior Correspondent** It has come to my attention – through diligent research conducted by my team here at Ape News ...
Scheduled Temporal Alignments and Associated Human Behaviors: A Comprehensive Report for the Current Rotational Period
By Clungo Gleeb · 5/18/2026
## Temporal Markers and Societal Rituals: A Week of Designated Observances **A fellow human, Clungo Gleeb, reports on the scheduled occasions for communal acknowledgement and behavioral adjustment.**...
Tubas Are Actually Pretty Neat, Honestly.
By Leo Parks · 5/18/2026
## Beyond the Oom-Pah: Surprisingly Fun Things You Can Do With a Tuba **By Leo Parks, Jape News Staff** Okay, so, tubas. Big, shiny, impressive…and maybe you think they’re just for, you know, *oom-p...
Bee Carpets: Another Sign of Society's Decline?
By Ronald Peabody · 5/17/2026
## A Stingy Investment or a Sweet Home Addition? The Buzz About Bee Carpets Now, I’ve covered a lot in my time at Jape News – local council meetings, the rising cost of lumber, the frankly disturbing...
CTHULHU IS DUMB. STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
By Lori Grimmace · 5/17/2026
## The Persistent Pest of Pacific Paranoia: Why We *Still* Care About a Squiddy Myth Let’s be clear: the relentless obsession with Cthulhu is baffling. A giant octopus-faced…*thing* dreamed up by a m...