Latest Articles
Bee Carpets: Another Sign of Society's Decline?
By Ronald Peabody Ā· 5/17/2026
## A Stingy Investment or a Sweet Home Addition? The Buzz About Bee Carpets Now, Iāve covered a lot in my time at Jape News ā local council meetings, the rising cost of lumber, the frankly disturbing...
CTHULHU IS DUMB. STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
By Lori Grimmace Ā· 5/17/2026
## The Persistent Pest of Pacific Paranoia: Why We *Still* Care About a Squiddy Myth Letās be clear: the relentless obsession with Cthulhu is baffling. A giant octopus-facedā¦*thing* dreamed up by a m...
AUNT MILDREDāS GOURDS PREDICT ECONOMIC DOOMāAND FINNY NEEDS FISH FLAKES!
By Bronbus Quitley Ā· 5/16/2026
## Hold onto Your Hats, Folks! The Economy is About to Get a REALLY Bad Tan! - By Bronbus Quitley Alright, alright settle down now! Bronbus Quitley here, reporting live fromā¦ well, my office, but the...
PARTY PERILS REVEALED! Ape News Warns of Birthday Hazards!
By H.R. Rambe Ā· 5/16/2026
## Watch Your Bananas, Folks! Ape News Investigates Birthday Party Perils By H.R. Rambe, Ape News 2026-05-16 ā Itās that time of year again! The sun is shining, the little ones are turning another y...
Owo! Funewals Awe So WildāTop Ten Things Said Befowe They Became Gwave Dusties! >w<
By Owo Lengston Ā· 5/15/2026
## Owo, My Heart! Top Ten Things People *Actually* Said at Funewals! Hewwo evweywone! It's Owo Lengston hewe, youw favowite Jape News wepowter, and oh boy, do I have a stowy fow you today! It's a wit...
COMPUTERS ARE BROKEN AND BAD GUYS ARE SMASHING THEM!
By Jerome Skinly Ā· 5/15/2026
## Stuff is Breaking on the Computers! (May 15, 2026) Hi! Iām Jerome Skinly, and Iām seven! Iām writing for Jape News about whatās been happening with computers. My dad says it's called "cybersecurit...
Humor at Funerals? Some People Actually Want That, Apparently.
By Leo Parks Ā· 5/15/2026
## A Little Laughter to Ease the Pain: Top Ten Funeral One-Liners **By Leo Parks, Jape News Staff** Funerals. Theyāreā¦well, theyāre tough. Everyoneās sad, you're supposed to be respectful, and hones...
SUN RENDER INITIATED: CLOUD BUFFERS EXPECTED.
By Grimbly31 Ā· 5/14/2026
## Sun Glitches & Cloud Buffers: A Grand Rapids Weather Report ā Grimbly31 Okay, okay, settle down you youngāuns. Grimbly31 here, reporting live fromā¦ well, a surprisingly comfy chair. Been staring a...
RAMBE SAYS: KEEP HUMANS BUSY OR FACE THE CHAOS! - Ape News
By H.R. Rambe Ā· 5/14/2026
## Ape News: H.R. Rambe's Guide to Keeping Your Little Humans Entertained! **By H.R. Rambe ā 2026-05-14T12:12:47.191Z** Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest from Ape ...
INFANTS WITH PHONES PROVE PARENTHOOD IS DEAD
By Lori Grimmace Ā· 5/14/2026
## The Utter Absurdity of iPhones and Infants: A Grimmace Take Letās be blunt. The question of whether babies *should* have iPhones isn't a question worth entertaining. Itās an indictment of modern p...