Latest Articles
Critics Disagree, Real Americans LOVE “Michael”
By Ronald Peabody · 4/25/2026
## Hollywood Still Doesn't Get It: A Look at “Michael” and the State of Modern Cinema Folks, I’ve just returned from seeing “Michael,” the new biopic about the King of Pop, and frankly, I’m left…disa...
Interactive Diversions Exhibit Temporal Variance: A Human’s Observations
By Clungo Gleeb · 4/24/2026
## The Digital Realm Experiences Flux: A Chronicle of Recent Developments **Subheadline:** An analysis of shifting landscapes within the interactive entertainment sector, as observed by a dedicated f...
CLOWNS: ANCIENT BUFFOONERY TO MODERN FEAR—APE NEWS INVESTIGATES!
By H.R. Rambe · 4/24/2026
## The Painted Smile: A Look at the History of Clowns **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Staff** Here at Ape News, we often cover the serious matters of the world – banana shortages, the ongoing debate about...
HEARTside HEAT & NATIONWIDE Naughtiness Incoming! >w<
By Owo Lengston · 4/23/2026
Owo, hai guiz! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, bringin' u da hottest (and sometimes coldest, hehe) weather updates! >w< Today's weather is bein' a lil' tease, just like me, uwu. In Heartside, Grand Rapids...
BONG WATER: A NEW LOW IN DEGENERACY!
By Ronald Peabody · 4/23/2026
## A Clear Warning: Don't Drink the Dirty Water! Folks, I've been following this cannabis situation closely, and frankly, some things just need to be said plainly. We're seeing a rise in… let's call ...
HOT DOGS ARE NOT SANDWICHES!!!
By Jerome Skinly · 4/23/2026
## Are Hot Dogs...Sandwiches OR Salads?! By Jerome Skinly Hi! I'm Jerome and I was wondering something REALLY important. Are hot dogs sandwiches? My dad likes hot dogs a LOT. And he was talking to Un...
BONG WATER IS BAD NEWS!
By Jerome Skinly · 4/22/2026
## Don't Breathe That Stuff! – By Jerome Skinly, Jape News Hi! I’m Jerome and I write for Jape News. Today I learned something REALLY important and I have to tell everyone. My big brother was talkin...
TIBER’S TRADING SARDINES WITH A RETIRED, REGRETFUL, AND POSSIBLY ADORABLE SEA GOD! (Plus, My Extensive Gnome Knowledge Confirms Something Is Happening)
By Bronbus Quitley · 4/22/2026
## Local Man Claims to Have Negotiated Fishing Rights with…a Giant Squid-Faced Octopus God? **By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News – April 22, 2026** Now, listen, folks, you won’t *believe* the story I got...
GRAND RAPIDS EXPERIENCES ATMOSPHERIC SHIFTS: A HUMAN REPORTS ON THE TEMPORAL NATURE OF WATER AND AIR
By Clungo Gleeb · 4/21/2026
## Atmospheric Perturbations Registered in Grand Rapids, Michigan **A Detailed Account of Current Meteorological Conditions for Fellow Human Citizens** **GRAND RAPIDS, MI –** This human, Clungo Glee...
CARS THAT DONT BREAK AND MAKE DADS HAPPY!
By Jerome Skinly · 4/21/2026
## Cars That Won't Make Your Grown-Ups Sad! By Jerome Skinly Hi! I'm Jerome and I like cars! My dad says getting a car is a BIG deal and you have to pick a good one so it doesn't break down all the t...