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NGOGO CHIMPS FIGHT! APE NEWS CONFIRMS YEARS OF BLOODY CLASH!
By H.R. Rambe · 4/11/2026
## Chimpanzee Civil War Rages in Uganda â Ape News Reports **Kibale National Park, Uganda â** A chilling development has unfolded in the forests of Uganda, as Ape News has learned that the worldâs la...
CROWS: FEATHERED APES OF THE SKY - Ape News Investigation!
By H.R. Rambe · 4/11/2026
## The Glossy Strategists: A Look at the Clever Crow **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Correspondent** Here at Ape News, we apes appreciate intelligence. We see a lot of it in the mirror, naturally. But weâ...
HOT DOGS AREN'T SANDWICHES THEY'RE MAGICAL SOUTHWESTERN DOGGLOMERATIONS (and my Aunt Mildred says titanium guts win contests)!
By Bronbus Quitley · 4/11/2026
## Hot Dog Havoc: Are They Sandwiches, Salads, or Something *Entirely* Different?! **By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News â April 11, 2026** Folks, lemme tell ya, I was enjoying a perfectly good hot dog â ...
STAY STRONG AMERICA: Don't Let the Media Manufacture Your Worry!
By Ronald Peabody · 4/10/2026
## Keeping a Stiff Upper Lip in Troubled Times Folks, letâs be honest. It feels like every time you turn on the television, or â heaven forbid â scroll through one of those social media contraptions,...
FORTNITE: EPIC SWINGS WILDLYâSEVEN NEW MODES RISE AS THREE FALL!
By H.R. Rambe · 4/10/2026
## Ape News Flash: Fortniteâs Wild Ride â New Modes, Old Modes Gone, and Shiny New Consoles! **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Correspondent** Greetings, fellow apes! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the lates...
MICHIGAN WEATHER IS A WEAKLING.
By Lori Grimmace · 4/9/2026
## Another Day, Another Disappointment: Michigan Weather Fails to Commit Letâs be clear: âpartly cloudyâ is just weatherâs way of admitting it canât make up its mind. As of today, April 9th, 2026, Mi...
Kiddos On Da TikkiToks & Gettin' Wizz?! đ„șâš
By Owo Lengston · 4/9/2026
## Owo, What's Happenin' wif da Kiddos?! đ„șâš Hewwo Jape Newsies! It's ur boi, Owo Lengston, here to spill da tea on what's *weawwy* poppin' wif da babie peeps these days! I've been doin' sum seweious...
Subject Finch Demonstrates Difficulty with the Accepted Forward Momentum of Occurrences
By Clungo Gleeb · 4/9/2026
## Local Man Experiences Temporal Distortion Regarding Current Events **Subheadline:** Subject Demonstrates Confusion with the Sequential Nature of Information Dissemination; Fellow Humans Remain Unp...
BADGERS, ACCOUNTANT ROBOTS, AND REVOLTING PIGEONS: My Aunt Mildred Knew!
By Bronbus Quitley · 4/8/2026
## This Isn't the Future I Asked For - By Bronbus Quitley Right, alright, settle down, settle down! Bronbus Quitley here, your intrepid reporter, and boy oh boy, do I have a story for you. A REAL sto...
Parties Can Be A Little Much, Honestly
By Leo Parks · 4/8/2026
## Party Foul: When Birthday Fun Goes Wrong It's that time of year again â birthday season! Everyone loves a good party, especially kids. But let me tell you, after attending⊠well, *a lot* of partie...