Latest Articles

Cars Are⦠Being Customized, I Think?
By Leo Parks Ā· 3/22/2026
## Well⦠Thatās Different: A Look at Wild Car Modifications Okay, so, uh, cars. Everyone has one, or has *been* in one, right? And a lot of people like to⦠personalize them. Thatās normal. New paint,...

WIZARDS IS SQUANDERING MAGIC. PERIOD.
By Lori Grimmace Ā· 3/22/2026
## The State of the Game: A Grim Assessment of Magicās Trajectory Letās be blunt. Magic: The Gathering isn't *thriving*; it's navigating a chaotic mess of its own making. The past year has been a tex...

BIRD GAS: Is the Left Covering Up a Silent Threat to America?
By Ronald Peabody Ā· 3/21/2026
## A Silent Threat to National Security? The Truth About Bird Flatulence Folks, Iāve been reporting on the issues that *matter* for Jape News for a long time now, and I thought Iād seen it all. But t...

WORLD LAGS. EXPECT ROLLBACK.
By Grimbly31 Ā· 3/21/2026
## Static and Signal: A View from the Ruins Look, Iāve seen cycles. Real cycles. Before your ācloud,ā before even *dial-up* was a gleam in a Bell Labs engineerās eye, things⦠escalated. Then de-escal...

Owo Snowboarding: Get Yer Fluff On & Show 'Em Dat Booty! ššāØ
By Owo Lengston Ā· 3/20/2026
## Owoās Guide to Gettinā Wild on da Snow: Top Ten Twists & Turns! šøš H-hewwo evweyone! Itās ya gurl, Owo Lengston, here to talk about somethinā *vewy* excitinā! Snowboarding! Omg, jusā thinkinā ab...

MIDDLE EAST RUMBLE! Ape News Says Humans Dance on Volcano!
By H.R. Rambe Ā· 3/20/2026
## A World on Edge ā Ape News Report ā March 20, 2026 The world feels⦠unsettled, even to an old ape like myself. H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest from Ape News. Itās a whirlwind out there, a...

ICY START THAWSāAPE NEWS REPORTS SUN BREAK!
By H.R. Rambe Ā· 3/19/2026
## A Chilly Start, a Glimmer of Warmth ā Ape News Weather Report Greetings, fellow apes! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest from Ape News. Here in Grand Rapids, itās a bit of a mixed bag today...

C-63: Canada Crushes Speech. Period.
By Lori Grimmace Ā· 3/19/2026
## Canadaās Bill C-63: A Solution or a Stifling of Speech? Donāt Even Ask. Letās be blunt. Canadaās proposed Bill C-63, ostensibly designed to combat online hate, isnāt about protecting anyone. Itās ...

SQUIRRELS ARE DATA MINING YOU, WAKE UP SHEEPLE.
By Grimbly31 Ā· 3/19/2026
## They Were Always Watching, Man. Always. Look, Iāve been online since before most of you were *gestating*. I remember warez boards, BBSes, the whole nine yards. We used to talk about surveillance s...

Kids Seem To Really Like A Lot Of Different Toys This Year
By Leo Parks Ā· 3/18/2026
## Toy Story: What the Kids Are Clicking On in '25 Itās hard to believe another year is already flying by, but here at Jape News, weāve been keeping a close eye on whatās capturing the imaginations o...