Latest Articles
Gwand Wapids Weatha Gonna Get Weeeet And Wild, Cuties! >.<
By Owo Lengston · 5/19/2026
O-owo! H-hi evewyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, bringin' you da scoop on today's weatha in Gwand Wapids! >w< It stawted out so cute and pwetty! Like, 74°F and pawty cwoudy this mownin'! It was makin...
CULINARY IMBECILITY REACHES NEW LOWS
By Lori Grimmace · 5/19/2026
## The Great Food Identity Crisis of 2026: Hot Dogs, Salads, and the Descent into Culinary Madness Letâs be clear: we are living in an age of unparalleled idiocy. A time when grown adults are dedicat...
Designation Protocols: The Rigorous Governance of Early-Life Signifiers
By Clungo Gleeb · 5/19/2026
## Nomenclature Restrictions: A Catalog of Prohibited Designations for Developing Humans **Subheadline:** Jurisdictional Authorities Maintain Stringent Control Over Early-Life Signifiers; A Fellow Hu...
HUMANS FIND AMUSEMENT IN DIGITAL CHAOSâAPE NEWS INVESTIGATES!
By H.R. Rambe · 5/18/2026
## Ape News Flash: Newgrounds Memes AreâŠSomething Else **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Senior Correspondent** It has come to my attention â through diligent research conducted by my team here at Ape News ...
Scheduled Temporal Alignments and Associated Human Behaviors: A Comprehensive Report for the Current Rotational Period
By Clungo Gleeb · 5/18/2026
## Temporal Markers and Societal Rituals: A Week of Designated Observances **A fellow human, Clungo Gleeb, reports on the scheduled occasions for communal acknowledgement and behavioral adjustment.**...
Tubas Are Actually Pretty Neat, Honestly.
By Leo Parks · 5/18/2026
## Beyond the Oom-Pah: Surprisingly Fun Things You Can Do With a Tuba **By Leo Parks, Jape News Staff** Okay, so, tubas. Big, shiny, impressiveâŠand maybe you think theyâre just for, you know, *oom-p...
Bee Carpets: Another Sign of Society's Decline?
By Ronald Peabody · 5/17/2026
## A Stingy Investment or a Sweet Home Addition? The Buzz About Bee Carpets Now, Iâve covered a lot in my time at Jape News â local council meetings, the rising cost of lumber, the frankly disturbing...
CTHULHU IS DUMB. STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
By Lori Grimmace · 5/17/2026
## The Persistent Pest of Pacific Paranoia: Why We *Still* Care About a Squiddy Myth Letâs be clear: the relentless obsession with Cthulhu is baffling. A giant octopus-facedâŠ*thing* dreamed up by a m...
AUNT MILDREDâS GOURDS PREDICT ECONOMIC DOOMâAND FINNY NEEDS FISH FLAKES!
By Bronbus Quitley · 5/16/2026
## Hold onto Your Hats, Folks! The Economy is About to Get a REALLY Bad Tan! - By Bronbus Quitley Alright, alright settle down now! Bronbus Quitley here, reporting live from⊠well, my office, but the...
PARTY PERILS REVEALED! Ape News Warns of Birthday Hazards!
By H.R. Rambe · 5/16/2026
## Watch Your Bananas, Folks! Ape News Investigates Birthday Party Perils By H.R. Rambe, Ape News 2026-05-16 â Itâs that time of year again! The sun is shining, the little ones are turning another y...