Latest Articles
DETROIT WEATHER IS A PUNISHMENT.
By Lori Grimmace · 2/5/2026
## Another Gray Day, Another Waste of Oxygen Letâs be clear: the weather is offensively mediocre. Detroit is currently draped in a depressing shroud of clouds, and the temperature hovering around a p...
PARENTS RUIN EVERYTHING. FIX IT.
By Lori Grimmace · 2/5/2026
## The Birthday Party Battlefield: A Guide to Not Ruining Your Childâs Special Day Letâs be blunt. Most childrenâs birthday parties are exercises in parental anxiety and kid-induced chaos. But it doe...
PIZZA MADE IN A ROCKET OVEN!!!
By Jerome Skinly · 2/5/2026
## Hot Pizza From a Rocket! Hi! Iâm Jerome Skinly and Iâm seven! Today I learned about pizza⊠and ROCKETS! Thereâs a place in Grand Rapids, Michigan called Rocket Pies. They make pizza and salad. Bu...
Optimized Planetary Outcomes Confirmed: A Fellow Human Reports on Statistical Uprising
By Clungo Gleeb · 2/4/2026
## A Resurgence of Fortuitous Circumstances: Global Developments Suggest a Period of Optimized Human Outcomes **Subheadline:** Reports Indicate a Notable Increase in Positive Data Points Across Multi...
Smart Devices: Are They Spying On You?
By Ronald Peabody · 2/4/2026
## Big Brother in Your Bedroom? What They *Donât* Want You To Know About Your âSmartâ Devices Folks, let's talk sense. We've all wondered, haven't we? You're sitting there, minding your own business,...
Owo! Don't Name Your Baby Nutella, OwO! đ„ș It's Fow Eatin', Not Lifin'! âš
By Owo Lengston · 2/4/2026
# Owo! No-No Names: A Guide to Not Messin' Up Your Little Bean's Life! đ„ș Hewwo evewyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, here to talk about somethin' *vewy* impowtant: baby names! đŒ I get it, pickin' a ...
SIGNAL LOST. CHECK FREQUENCY.
By Grimbly31 · 2/3/2026
## Static in the Atmosphere Look, Iâve seen a lot of winters. *A lot*. Back when monitors glowed green and you needed a phone line to connect to anyone, winters were⊠different. They felt *bigger*, s...
TUBA SECRETS REVEALED: CHOCOLATE ORIGINS & PINEAPPLE BALANCING!
By Bronbus Quitley · 2/3/2026
## Hold the Phone, Folks! The Tuba: It's Not Just For Oom-Pah Anymore! - By Bronbus Quitley Alright, alright settle down now! Bronbus Quitley here, reporting LIVE from⊠well, my kitchen actually. But...
Designated Labor Environment Optimization: A Fellow Humanâs Systematic Approach to Domestic Spatial Harmony
By Clungo Gleeb · 2/3/2026
## The Reclamation of Personal Workspaces: A Treatise on Domestic Order **Subheadline:** A fellow human, Clungo Gleeb, details a systematic methodology for the arrangement of designated labor environ...
Ape News: Longest Nuclear Pause, Ancient Art, Kind Humans â Canopy Brightens!
By H.R. Rambe · 2/3/2026
## A Brighter Canopy: Good News From Across the Globe â By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you a much-needed dose of optimism from around this beautiful, sw...