Latest Articles
HOLLYWOOD IS A WASTELAND. TWO FILMS SAVE FACE.
By Lori Grimmace · 4/12/2026
## Another Year, Another Flood of Mediocrity â And a Few Glimmers of Hope Itâs April, which means Hollywood has officially exhausted its reserves of original thought and is now shoveling brightly col...
SQUIRRELS ON YOUTUBE! TWO MILLION VIEWS!
By Jerome Skinly · 4/12/2026
## Squirrel Helpers on the Computer! Hi! Iâm Jerome Skinly and I write for Jape News. Today I learned about⊠squirrels! And people are trying to *help* them! My mom showed me something on the comput...
NGOGO CHIMPS FIGHT! APE NEWS CONFIRMS YEARS OF BLOODY CLASH!
By H.R. Rambe · 4/11/2026
## Chimpanzee Civil War Rages in Uganda â Ape News Reports **Kibale National Park, Uganda â** A chilling development has unfolded in the forests of Uganda, as Ape News has learned that the worldâs la...
CROWS: FEATHERED APES OF THE SKY - Ape News Investigation!
By H.R. Rambe · 4/11/2026
## The Glossy Strategists: A Look at the Clever Crow **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Correspondent** Here at Ape News, we apes appreciate intelligence. We see a lot of it in the mirror, naturally. But weâ...
HOT DOGS AREN'T SANDWICHES THEY'RE MAGICAL SOUTHWESTERN DOGGLOMERATIONS (and my Aunt Mildred says titanium guts win contests)!
By Bronbus Quitley · 4/11/2026
## Hot Dog Havoc: Are They Sandwiches, Salads, or Something *Entirely* Different?! **By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News â April 11, 2026** Folks, lemme tell ya, I was enjoying a perfectly good hot dog â ...
STAY STRONG AMERICA: Don't Let the Media Manufacture Your Worry!
By Ronald Peabody · 4/10/2026
## Keeping a Stiff Upper Lip in Troubled Times Folks, letâs be honest. It feels like every time you turn on the television, or â heaven forbid â scroll through one of those social media contraptions,...
FORTNITE: EPIC SWINGS WILDLYâSEVEN NEW MODES RISE AS THREE FALL!
By H.R. Rambe · 4/10/2026
## Ape News Flash: Fortniteâs Wild Ride â New Modes, Old Modes Gone, and Shiny New Consoles! **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Correspondent** Greetings, fellow apes! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the lates...
MICHIGAN WEATHER IS A WEAKLING.
By Lori Grimmace · 4/9/2026
## Another Day, Another Disappointment: Michigan Weather Fails to Commit Letâs be clear: âpartly cloudyâ is just weatherâs way of admitting it canât make up its mind. As of today, April 9th, 2026, Mi...
Kiddos On Da TikkiToks & Gettin' Wizz?! đ„șâš
By Owo Lengston · 4/9/2026
## Owo, What's Happenin' wif da Kiddos?! đ„șâš Hewwo Jape Newsies! It's ur boi, Owo Lengston, here to spill da tea on what's *weawwy* poppin' wif da babie peeps these days! I've been doin' sum seweious...
Subject Finch Demonstrates Difficulty with the Accepted Forward Momentum of Occurrences
By Clungo Gleeb · 4/9/2026
## Local Man Experiences Temporal Distortion Regarding Current Events **Subheadline:** Subject Demonstrates Confusion with the Sequential Nature of Information Dissemination; Fellow Humans Remain Unp...