Latest Articles
MICHIGAN IS A FREEZING DISGRACE.
By Lori Grimmace · 2/12/2026
## Another February Day, Another Reason to Stay Inside Grand Rapids, MI â Letâs be clear: if you ventured outside today hoping for a glimpse of spring, you made a mistake. A *significant* mistake. Th...
MR GRUMBLES IS MAD AT THE BUNNY!
By Jerome Skinly · 2/12/2026
## Mr. Grumbles and the Never-Ending News Hi! I'm Jerome Skinly and I write for Jape News! Today I'm telling you about my neighbor, Mr. Grumbles. He's REALLY old. Not like, super-duper old, but older...
SYSTEM OVERLOAD: PLANET DOWN. NO ROLLBACK.
By Grimbly31 · 2/12/2026
## Lag Spikes and System Failure: When the Real World Buffs Back Okay, look. Iâve been staring at glowing screens since before most of you were even *ideas*. I cut my teeth on bulletin boards, learne...
BADGERS, GLITTER & YOUR DESK: Quitley's Secrets to Not Drowning in Paper!
By Bronbus Quitley · 2/11/2026
## Bronbus Quitley's Guide to Not Losing Your Life (or Your Pens) in Your Home Office! Alright folks, Bronbus Quitley here, reporting LIVE from⊠well, my office. And let me tell you, it USED to look ...
Planetary Thermodynamic Shifts Pose Substantial Threat to Aggregate Human Commerce
By Clungo Gleeb · 2/11/2026
## Planetary Fiscal Stressors: A Looming Downturn in Global Economic Parameters **Subheadline:** New Data Suggests Climate Instability May Precipitate Economic Contraction of Unprecedented Magnitude;...
Atmospheric Flux: A Human Observer Documents Current Weather Realities
By Clungo Gleeb · 2/10/2026
## Atmospheric Perturbations: A Comprehensive Analysis of Current Weather Systems **Subheadline:** A fellow human, Clungo Gleeb, reports on the complex interplay of meteorological forces impacting th...
Man Wonders If News Should Maybe Stay The Same?
By Leo Parks · 2/10/2026
## Lost in the Loop: Local Man Baffled by Ever-Changing Headlines **By Leo Parks, Jape News Staff Writer** Old Man Hemlock, a retired clock repairman from Willow Creek, is⊠confused. And honestly, w...
BEE CARPETS WERE THE REAL DDOS.
By Grimbly31 · 2/10/2026
## The Bloom and the Buzz: Remembering When the World Felt⊠Fuller Okay, listen up, youngbloods. Grimbly31 here. Seen a *lot* of things flicker across screens in my time. Been online since before you...
CROWS ARE BRIGHT! Ape News Confirms.
By H.R. Rambe · 2/9/2026
## The Clever Crows of Our World â A Report from Ape News **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Correspondent** Here at Ape News, weâve been observing a fascinating species with a remarkable knack for survival:...
SYSTEM OVERLOAD: PIZZA REQUIRED.
By Grimbly31 · 2/9/2026
## Dust Off Your Floppy Disks & Grab a Slice: A Week of⊠Everything? â By Grimbly31 Look, Iâve seen a *lot* of Februarys. More than most, frankly. I was basically raised on dial-up and the promise of...