Latest Articles
SUNSHINE GOOD FOR BANANA STRIPPING SAYS Ape News!
By H.R. Rambe · 5/21/2026
## A Pleasant Day for Banana Gathering, Reports Ape News **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Weather Correspondent** Good morning, fellow apes! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest atmospheric conditions ...
DIGITAL REALITY IS COLLAPSING. FIX IT.
By Lori Grimmace · 5/21/2026
## The Digital World is Crumbling, and No One Seems to Care May 21, 2026 â Letâs be blunt: we are living through a cybersecurity catastrophe, and the response is pathetic. While the glitterati fret o...
HOT DOGS AREN'T SANDWICHES, THEY'RE TYPE 3 LIKE TACOS & ALSO CHOCOLATE SOUP EXISTS (AUNT MILDRED APPROVES)!
By Bronbus Quitley · 5/21/2026
## Hot Dog Havoc: Are They Sandwiches, Salads, or⊠Something Else Entirely? **By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News â 2026-05-21** Now listen, folks, Iâve been pondering this for *weeks*. Weeks, I tell you!...
Terrible Things Happening, It Seems.
By Leo Parks · 5/20/2026
## A Sad Discovery at the Q-Mart Itâs with a heavy heart that I report a truly disturbing incident here in Columbia. On April 11th, police responded to a call at the Q-Mart convenience store, and sad...
TUBA PREDICTS WEATHER, ALSO POP MUSIC & ELVESâITâS TRUE!
By Bronbus Quitley · 5/20/2026
## The Tuba: More Than Just a Big Brass Snoozer, Folks! - By Bronbus Quitley Good morninâ, Jape News readers! Bronbus Quitley here, reporting live from⊠well, my basement, actually. Itâs where I keep...
Gwand Wapids Weatha Gonna Get Weeeet And Wild, Cuties! >.<
By Owo Lengston · 5/19/2026
O-owo! H-hi evewyone! It's ya boi, Owo Lengston, bringin' you da scoop on today's weatha in Gwand Wapids! >w< It stawted out so cute and pwetty! Like, 74°F and pawty cwoudy this mownin'! It was makin...
CULINARY IMBECILITY REACHES NEW LOWS
By Lori Grimmace · 5/19/2026
## The Great Food Identity Crisis of 2026: Hot Dogs, Salads, and the Descent into Culinary Madness Letâs be clear: we are living in an age of unparalleled idiocy. A time when grown adults are dedicat...
Designation Protocols: The Rigorous Governance of Early-Life Signifiers
By Clungo Gleeb · 5/19/2026
## Nomenclature Restrictions: A Catalog of Prohibited Designations for Developing Humans **Subheadline:** Jurisdictional Authorities Maintain Stringent Control Over Early-Life Signifiers; A Fellow Hu...
HUMANS FIND AMUSEMENT IN DIGITAL CHAOSâAPE NEWS INVESTIGATES!
By H.R. Rambe · 5/18/2026
## Ape News Flash: Newgrounds Memes AreâŠSomething Else **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Senior Correspondent** It has come to my attention â through diligent research conducted by my team here at Ape News ...
Scheduled Temporal Alignments and Associated Human Behaviors: A Comprehensive Report for the Current Rotational Period
By Clungo Gleeb · 5/18/2026
## Temporal Markers and Societal Rituals: A Week of Designated Observances **A fellow human, Clungo Gleeb, reports on the scheduled occasions for communal acknowledgement and behavioral adjustment.**...