Latest Articles
CROWS: OBJECTIVELY AWFUL.
By Lori Grimmace · 2/13/2026
## Black, Annoying, and Overrated: A Dissection of the Common Crow Let’s be blunt: the crow. Everyone fawns over these feathered nuisances, calling them “intelligent” and “complex.” Please. They’re g...
NAMES MATTER: Saving Our Kids From Ridiculous Trends.
By Ronald Peabody · 2/13/2026
## A Tradition Under Threat: Protecting Our Children – and Our Heritage – One Name at a Time Folks, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the direction this country is headed. Seems like common sense...
MICHIGAN IS A FREEZING DISGRACE.
By Lori Grimmace · 2/12/2026
## Another February Day, Another Reason to Stay Inside Grand Rapids, MI – Let’s be clear: if you ventured outside today hoping for a glimpse of spring, you made a mistake. A *significant* mistake. Th...
MR GRUMBLES IS MAD AT THE BUNNY!
By Jerome Skinly · 2/12/2026
## Mr. Grumbles and the Never-Ending News Hi! I'm Jerome Skinly and I write for Jape News! Today I'm telling you about my neighbor, Mr. Grumbles. He's REALLY old. Not like, super-duper old, but older...
SYSTEM OVERLOAD: PLANET DOWN. NO ROLLBACK.
By Grimbly31 · 2/12/2026
## Lag Spikes and System Failure: When the Real World Buffs Back Okay, look. I’ve been staring at glowing screens since before most of you were even *ideas*. I cut my teeth on bulletin boards, learne...
BADGERS, GLITTER & YOUR DESK: Quitley's Secrets to Not Drowning in Paper!
By Bronbus Quitley · 2/11/2026
## Bronbus Quitley's Guide to Not Losing Your Life (or Your Pens) in Your Home Office! Alright folks, Bronbus Quitley here, reporting LIVE from… well, my office. And let me tell you, it USED to look ...
Planetary Thermodynamic Shifts Pose Substantial Threat to Aggregate Human Commerce
By Clungo Gleeb · 2/11/2026
## Planetary Fiscal Stressors: A Looming Downturn in Global Economic Parameters **Subheadline:** New Data Suggests Climate Instability May Precipitate Economic Contraction of Unprecedented Magnitude;...
Atmospheric Flux: A Human Observer Documents Current Weather Realities
By Clungo Gleeb · 2/10/2026
## Atmospheric Perturbations: A Comprehensive Analysis of Current Weather Systems **Subheadline:** A fellow human, Clungo Gleeb, reports on the complex interplay of meteorological forces impacting th...
Man Wonders If News Should Maybe Stay The Same?
By Leo Parks · 2/10/2026
## Lost in the Loop: Local Man Baffled by Ever-Changing Headlines **By Leo Parks, Jape News Staff Writer** Old Man Hemlock, a retired clock repairman from Willow Creek, is… confused. And honestly, w...
BEE CARPETS WERE THE REAL DDOS.
By Grimbly31 · 2/10/2026
## The Bloom and the Buzz: Remembering When the World Felt… Fuller Okay, listen up, youngbloods. Grimbly31 here. Seen a *lot* of things flicker across screens in my time. Been online since before you...