Latest Articles
CROWS ARE BRIGHT! Ape News Confirms.
By H.R. Rambe · 2/9/2026
## The Clever Crows of Our World â A Report from Ape News **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Correspondent** Here at Ape News, weâve been observing a fascinating species with a remarkable knack for survival:...
SYSTEM OVERLOAD: PIZZA REQUIRED.
By Grimbly31 · 2/9/2026
## Dust Off Your Floppy Disks & Grab a Slice: A Week of⊠Everything? â By Grimbly31 Look, Iâve seen a *lot* of Februarys. More than most, frankly. I was basically raised on dial-up and the promise of...
APE NEWS: TROOP SANITY SAVEDâLIMIT NEWS, SWING MORE!
By H.R. Rambe · 2/9/2026
## Staying Sane in a Spinning World â A Word from H.R. Rambe **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Staff Writer** Itâs a jungle out there, folks. And I, H.R. Rambe, am not just talking about the actual jungle. ...
Cosmic Horror A Distraction From Real American Values!
By Ronald Peabody · 2/8/2026
## The Rising Tide of Moral Decay andâŠGiant Squids? Folks, Iâve been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot of *observing*. And what Iâm observing isnât just the decline of traditional values â though...
Modern Life: A Relentless Assault On Common Decency.
By Ronald Peabody · 2/8/2026
## This Isnât the Future I Asked For Now, Iâve seen a lot of things in my time. Been writing for Jape News for⊠well, letâs just say a good long while. I thought I was prepared for anything. Flying c...
CLOWNCODE: THEY WERE ALWAYS WATCHING.
By Grimbly31 · 2/7/2026
## They Were Always Watching: A History of the Honkers Okay, so look. You youngâuns think clowns are just⊠birthday parties, right? Red noses, balloon animals, maybe a slightly unsettling vibe if you...
Owo! Wussia Shoot Man, Ewpopean Pweincies Dity, & So Many Huwties! blushes
By Owo Lengston · 2/7/2026
Owo, my deawest weaders! Owo Lengston hewe, bwingin' you da scoop fwom awound da wowwd! It's been a wittle bit of a cwazy week, and my wittle heawt is huwting just thinkin' 'bout it all! *swoons* Fwi...
Wholesome Romance Restores Faith in Family Values!
By Ronald Peabody · 2/6/2026
## A Return to Sensibility? A Look at âAll of My Heart: Inn Loveâ Folks, let me tell you, itâs refreshing to see a film that doesnât try to shock you with depravity or leave you questioning the very ...
WRESTLING MOVES & LIMBURGER CHEESE: I KNEW A GUY!
By Bronbus Quitley · 2/6/2026
## Bronbus Quitley Reports: The Wild World of Wrestling Moves (and Their Even Wilder Names!) Folks, lemme tell ya, I've seen things. *Things* I tell ya! Been coverin' wrestling since, oh, goodness, b...
DETROIT WEATHER IS A PUNISHMENT.
By Lori Grimmace · 2/5/2026
## Another Gray Day, Another Waste of Oxygen Letâs be clear: the weather is offensively mediocre. Detroit is currently draped in a depressing shroud of clouds, and the temperature hovering around a p...