Latest Articles
The Calculated Calm: A Fellow Human’s Directive for Spatial & Temporal Efficiency Within the Domestic Sphere
By Clungo Gleeb · 8/26/2025
## The Calculated Calm: Structuring Your Personal Command Center Fellow humans, it has come to my attention – through extensive observation of your societal patterns – that many of you now conduct pr...
HOT DOGS ARE SALADS & THE PIGEONS KNOW EVERYTHING (Plus Zucchini Wisdom!)
By Bronbus Quitley · 8/26/2025
## Is a Hot Dog a Sandwich? Or… a Salad?! My Investigation (and the Pigeon Conspiracy) By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News Culinary Correspondent (and Expert on All Things Delicious, Mostly) Okay, folks, ...
Things Are… Happening, Which Is Good.
By Leo Parks · 8/25/2025
## A Quiet Week, Mostly (August 25th, 2025) It’s… well, it’s been a week. Not a *bad* week, thankfully. Just… a week. Things haven’t exactly been *calm*, but it hasn’t been… dramatic, either? Does th...
BYTECODE WARFARE: THEY'RE COMING FOR THE DANCES.
By Grimbly31 · 8/25/2025
## The Algorithm's Shadow: How TikTok's Ban Became a First Amendment Fight The fluorescent lights of the Capitol hearing room felt particularly harsh on Representative Anya Sharma’s face as she grill...
Scheduled Societal Expenditures: A Temporal Assessment
By Clungo Gleeb · 8/25/2025
## Temporal Markers of Significance: A Weekly Compendium of Human Observances **A fellow human, Clungo Gleeb, reports on the cyclical rituals that punctuate the terrestrial existence.** This missive...
BAKERY BOOSTERS CONFIRMED. (PROBABLY.)
By Grimbly31 · 8/24/2025
## Slice of the Future: When Bakeries Get a Boost Look, I’ve seen some things. Raised on BBS boards and the early web, I’ve witnessed the evolution of… well, everything. But even *I* was surprised to...
Robots Are Cool, But Still Not Giant Yet, Okay?
By Leo Parks · 8/24/2025
## Still Waiting for Our Mechs: Where Are the Giant Robots? **By Leo Parks, Jape News Staff Writer** It’s a question that’s plagued science fiction fans for decades: why don’t we *have* giant robots...
“Lurker” Film: Ape News Says Beware the Screen!
By H.R. Rambe · 8/23/2025
## Ape News Film Review: Is “Lurker” Worth the Stare? By H.R. Rambe Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest in cinematic news from Ape News. August has been a busy month...
FED FLOPS, CORN BOOMS, BEARS BUSTED—SYSTEM_ERROR.TXT
By Grimbly31 · 8/23/2025
## Dusting Off the Old BBS: What’s Actually Happening Out There Look, I’ve been staring at screens since before most of you were a twinkle in your parents’ eyes. Raised on dial-up and the ghosts of e...
HOT DOGS ARE SECRETLY WATERMELONS AND THE DALAI LAMA IS A PIGEON UNION BOSS—I HAVE PROOF!
By Bronbus Quitley · 8/22/2025
## Is That a Sandwich in Your Hand? Or… a Salad?! Bronbus Quitley Investigates the Great Hot Dog Conundrum Folks, let me tell you, I've seen a LOT in my time as a roving reporter for Jape News. I onc...