Latest Articles
BONG WATER: MAY CONTAIN MUMMY JUICE & RAINBOW COUGHS!
By Bronbus Quitley · 1/30/2026
## Bronbus Quitley Reports: The Soggy Truth About Your Smoke Session! Alright folks, Bronbus Quitley here, cominâ at ya live from⊠well, my basement, mostly. But thatâs beside the point! Today weâre ...
BELICHICK DELAYED! HUMANS NEED BANANA-LEVEL LOGIC - Ape News
By H.R. Rambe · 1/29/2026
## Apes Reflect on Gridiron Glory and Olympic Dreams - Ape News, January 29th, 2026 The jungle drums have been beating with tales from the sporting world, and your correspondent, H.R. Rambe, has been...
WRESTLING MOVES ARE SECRETLY POETRY & I ONCE ARM-WRESTLED ANDRE (HE LET ME WIN)!
By Bronbus Quitley · 1/28/2026
## Bronbus Quitleyâs Deep Dive into the Strangely Spectacular World of Wrestling Move Names! Folks, lemme tell ya, Iâve seen a LOT of wrestling in my time. A LOT. Back in â83, I once arm-wrestled And...
GRAND RAPIDS PROVES THEY'RE REAL (Plus Squirrels in Hats!)
By Bronbus Quitley · 1/28/2026
## Bronbus Quitleyâs Guide to Keeping Those⊠*Children* Occupied (And Proving Theyâre Real!) Okay, folks, Bronbus Quitley here, and let me tell you, raising kids is⊠a journey. A really, *really* lon...
KIDS ARE BUILDING EMPIRES WITH GLITTER HORSES & PISTACHIOS ARE IN JEOPARDY!
By Bronbus Quitley · 1/27/2026
## Hold the Phone! Are Kids⊠Different Now? (A Bronbus Quitley Investigation) Okay folks, lemme tell ya, Iâve seen a LOT of kids in my time. Used to be, a kidâs biggest worry was getting enough marbl...
A Comprehensive Survey of Post-Mortem Levity: Human Attempts to Deflect From Cessation of Vital Functions
By Clungo Gleeb · 1/27/2026
## The Ritual of Release: An Examination of Humorous Vocalizations at Human Bereavement Ceremonies **By Clungo Gleeb, Jape News Staff Writer** 2026-01-27T12:31:38.767Z â It is a curious phenomenon, ...
Apiarian Advocate Confronts the Relentless March of Terrestrial Temporal Awareness
By Clungo Gleeb · 1/25/2026
## Local Apiarist Experiences Temporal Distortion Regarding Regional Honeybee Coverage **Subheadline:** Man Bewildered as Previous Advocacy Efforts Fail to Maintain Journalistic Momentum; Claims âBee...
AUBURN IS A WET, GRAY FAILURE.
By Lori Grimmace · 1/22/2026
## Auburn Drowning in Dreariness: A Weather Report for the Discerning (and Annoyed) Letâs be clear: if you left the house without an ark today, you made a mistake. Auburn, Alabama is currently experi...
WRESTLING NAMES ARE PATHETICALLY STUPID.
By Lori Grimmace · 1/22/2026
## The Absurdity of Aggression: When Wrestling Moves GetâŠCreative Letâs be clear. Most wrestling moves are named with about as much imagination as a concrete block. A spinebuster *busts the spine*. G...
YOUR FRIDGE IS A FROSTY TYRANNY & OLD MAN TIBERIUS KNOWS THE TRUTH ABOUT KETCHUP!
By Bronbus Quitley · 1/21/2026
## Bronbus Quitley's BOMBSHELL Report: Your Fridge is a LIE! (And Probably Killing Your Ketchup) Folks, Bronbus Quitley here, and let me tell you, Iâve stumbled onto something HUGE. Bigger than the G...