AVOCADO TOAST PROVES WE ARE ALL HOPELESS.

The Avocado Toast Uprising: A Nation Divided by Spreadable Fruit

Let’s be blunt. If you enjoyed avocado toast this past week, you were immediately branded an enemy of the working class. If you dared criticize avocado toast, you were labeled a heartless elitist, out of touch with the simple pleasures of life. Welcome to 2025, where breakfast choices are battlegrounds and nuance has been pulverized into guacamole.

The initial spark? A relatively innocuous comment from Representative Franklin Bellwether during a televised economic debate. Bellwether, attempting (and failing) to connect with younger voters, lamented the supposed prioritization of “frivolous expenses” like avocado toast over homeownership. The clip, predictably, went viral.

What followed wasn’t debate, it was digital warfare.

The pro-avocado contingent, primarily mobilized through TikTok and a newly-resurgent Tumblr, launched #AvocadoRightsNow, flooding social media with pictures of perfectly-plated toast and impassioned defenses of their breakfast staple. The argument, stripped of all subtlety, was this: people should be allowed to enjoy things. Apparently, acknowledging economic hardship while also enjoying a trendy breakfast is now considered a radical proposition.

The counter-offensive came swiftly. Conservative commentators, fueled by outrage and a baffling misunderstanding of basic economics, seized upon Bellwether’s comment as proof of societal decadence. Fox News ran a segment titled “The Avocado Toast Generation: Entitled and Broke,” featuring a montage of millennials taking selfies with their breakfast. Even more disturbingly, a small but vocal contingent began circulating conspiracy theories claiming avocados were a “deep state” plot to weaken the nation's infrastructure. (Seriously. Infrastructure.)

The media, predictably, amplified the chaos. Cable news channels devolved into shouting matches, dedicated hours to analyzing avocado-related hashtags, and invited “avocado experts” (yes, that’s a real thing now) to offer their opinions. The Pew Research Center’s latest tracker shows a staggering divide: 87% of self-identified liberals now exclusively consume news from sources praising avocado toast, while 92% of conservatives only trust outlets condemning it. The overlap? Practically nonexistent.

Even Congress got involved, not to address actual problems, but to weigh in on the toast crisis. Representative Bellwether, doubling down on his original statement, introduced a bill proposing a “Luxury Breakfast Tax” on all avocado-based dishes. Democrats responded with a counter-proposal to subsidize avocado farms, calling the tax “an attack on culinary freedom.”

The sheer absurdity of the situation is, frankly, terrifying. This isn’t about avocados. It’s about the complete breakdown of civil discourse. It's about the relentless pursuit of tribalism, where every single issue, no matter how trivial, becomes a proxy war in the ongoing culture conflict.

I’ve seen more reasoned debate about the optimal water temperature for tea.

And the worst part? It's working. People are actively choosing to retreat into their echo chambers, surrounding themselves with information that confirms their pre-existing biases. A difference of opinion in your social group signals tolerance, which is precisely what's missing. This isn’t about disagreeing, it’s about demonizing anyone who dares to hold a different view – even if that view is simply, “Maybe avocado toast is a little overpriced.”

So go ahead, enjoy your breakfast. But don't be surprised when someone tries to tell you it's a symbol of everything that's wrong with the world. Because in 2025, that’s just par for the course.