WRESTLING MOVES & LIMBURGER CHEESE: I KNEW A GUY!

Bronbus Quitley Reports: The Wild World of Wrestling Moves (and Their Even Wilder Names!)

Folks, lemme tell ya, I've seen things. Things I tell ya! Been coverin' wrestling since, oh, goodness, back when wrestling was actually fought with dinosaurs. Not literally, of course, though Old Man Tiberius swore he saw a velociraptor in the front row at a Memphis show in '78. Anyway, point is, I know wrestling. And lemme tell you, the moves! They ain't just about muscles and mayhem anymore. It’s about names, people! Glorious, ridiculous, head-scratchin' names!

Now, you'd think a powerbomb is a powerbomb, right? WRONG! It’s all about the branding. Take Rikishi, bless his heart. He didn’t just bump into people, oh no. He delivered the legendary “Stinkface!” Can you imagine? Slappin' your… well, you get the idea… right into someone's face! The audacity! They say it started as a dare, a bet with The Iron Sheik involving a particularly pungent Limburger cheese. True story! I was there. Sort of. I was at a different event, but I heard about it from a guy who knew a guy.

And then there's Santino Marella. A man of culture, a man of socks. He didn't just punch, he unleashed the "Cobra Strike" with a sock puppet! A SOCK PUPPET! I tell ya, the marketing geniuses behind that one deserve a medal. Or maybe a lifetime supply of socks. We're talkin' revolutionary here. You think Cleopatra had strategy? Santino had a SOCK!

Speaking of unpredictable, you’ve got MJF and his “Kangaroo Kick.” Bouncin’ around like a…well, a kangaroo, before deliverin’ a double dropkick. It's like watchin’ a caffeinated rabbit attack. My Aunt Mildred tried to replicate it last Tuesday, right in the grocery store. Let's just say the produce section suffered.

Now, Naomi, a real talent, she’s got the “Rear View.” It’s exactly what it sounds like, and honestly? Brilliant. You gotta admire the confidence! And Dusty Rhodes, the American Dream, had the “Bionic Elbow.” Just…an elbow. A perfectly good elbow, mind you, but he sold it like it was powered by robots and pure charisma. That’s what it’s all about, folks! Showmanship!

I even heard tell of a wrestler, Damien Sandow, who'd just… fall down. Like, let people touch him and he’d go splat. Said he was a stunt double, apparently. A stunt double for… well, nobody really knew. But the crowd loved it. Go figure!

And Roman Reigns? “Superman Punch.” Simple, effective, and apparently, the fans go wild for it. I once tried to punch like Superman, landed face-first in a bowl of chili. Don’t try this at home!

Then there's Orange Cassidy. A man who makes laziness an art form. He does these…slow, almost invisible kicks. It's like he’s movin’ in molasses! But the crowd eats it up. It’s a philosophical statement on the futility of effort! Or maybe he's just really tired. Who knows!

And last but not least, Scotty 2 Hotty and the "Worm." A dance! A full-blown, wiggle-your-hips dance before he delivered a move! Honestly, you’d think it'd be exhausting, but Scotty did it with flair. It reminds me of my cousin Earl, he used to do the Worm at family picnics. Once knocked over Great Aunt Petunia's prize-winning rhubarb pie. Chaos, I tell ya, absolute chaos!

The point is, folks, wrestling ain’t just about the slams and the suplexes. It’s about the stories, the characters, and yes, even the ridiculous names of the moves. Because in the end, it's about entertaining the crowd, and sometimes, the sillier, the better. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go research the historical accuracy of velociraptors in professional wrestling. For science, of course.