**This is a Circus, Not Sports.**

JAPE NEWS: Sports Desk – Where Victory is Measured in Absurdity

International Cheese Rolling Championship Descends into Utter Chaos After Rogue Goose Intervention

The annual Cooper's Hill Cheese-Rolling and Wake in Gloucestershire was, as always, a spectacle of gravity-defying tumbles and questionable life choices. However, this year’s event took a particularly bizarre turn when a gaggle of disgruntled geese, apparently offended by the human’s blatant disregard for dairy products, launched a full-scale aerial assault on the participants.

Witnesses report that the geese, led by a particularly aggressive gander identified only as "Gerald," began pecking at ankles and snatching hats, sending already unstable rollers careening off course. Three contestants sustained minor injuries (mostly bruised egos and feather-related trauma), and the cheese itself was briefly airborne. Officials, after a lengthy consultation with an ornithologist and a bewildered farmer, declared the event a "fowl-up" and postponed the final rounds. Jape News advises: Do not taunt geese. They have surprisingly effective aerial maneuvers.

Tennis: Wimbledon Umpire Declares Match a Draw After Being Distracted by Performing Hamsters

The Wimbledon Gentlemen’s Singles match between Novak Djokovic and Carlos Alcaraz was halted for nearly an hour on Sunday after a group of miniature hamsters, released from a nearby magician's prop box, began performing a surprisingly elaborate synchronized swimming routine on the court.

The umpire, visibly flustered, repeatedly attempted to regain control of the situation, issuing warnings to both players and the aquatic rodents. “I’m not sure what to do here," he reportedly muttered, wiping sweat from his brow. "I’m trained to handle line calls, not tiny, synchronized hamsters.” Ultimately, he declared the match a draw, citing “unforeseen circumstances and a severe lack of hamster-handling protocol.” Jape News strongly suggests that magicians invest in secure prop storage.

Formula 1: Ferrari Driver Claims Victory After Car Mysteriously Transforms Into Giant Banana

Fernando Alonso of Ferrari shocked the racing world at the Austrian Grand Prix when, during the final lap, his car spontaneously transformed into a colossal banana.

"I don't know what happened," Alonso stated in a post-race interview, still visibly bewildered. "One minute I'm in the lead, the next I'm a giant, potassium-rich fruit. It’s…disorienting.” Despite the unusual circumstance, Alonso was declared the winner, as the race officials deemed the transformation "an act of God…or possibly a very elaborate prank." Jape News is currently investigating potential links between the banana transformation and a local fruit stand’s experimental fertilizer.

Olympics: Competitive Napping Event Added to Paris 2024 After Widespread Petition

In a victory for drowsy athletes everywhere, the International Olympic Committee has officially announced the addition of Competitive Napping to the Paris 2024 Summer Games. The event, proposed in a widely circulated online petition signed by millions, will feature athletes from around the world competing in categories such as "Deepest Sleep," "Most Creative Sleeping Position," and "Fastest Nap Recovery."

"We believe this addition will showcase the importance of rest and relaxation in athletic performance," stated a committee spokesperson, who appeared to be fighting a sudden urge to doze off. Jape News will be providing comprehensive coverage of the Olympic Napping competition, including live snoring analysis.

That’s the sports news for now. Prepare for the absurd. It’s coming.