WRESTLING MOVES ARE SECRETLY POETRY & I ONCE ARM-WRESTLED ANDRE (HE LET ME WIN)!

Bronbus Quitley’s Deep Dive into the Strangely Spectacular World of Wrestling Move Names!

Folks, lemme tell ya, I’ve seen a LOT of wrestling in my time. A LOT. Back in ‘83, I once arm-wrestled Andre the Giant for a pastrami on rye. True story. He let me win, though. Said I had “good form.” Anyway, point is, through all that viewing, all that experiencing, I’ve noticed something… peculiar. The NAMES of these moves! Oh boy, oh boy.

It started me thinkin', you see, while enjoyin’ a lovely plate of pickled herring (don’t judge!), that wrestling isn't just about muscles and mayhem, it's about poetry. Dramatic, sometimes slightly unhinged poetry! And the move names? They’re the verses!

Take "God's Last Gift," for instance. Now, that's a statement! Seth Rollins is bustin’ out a move and basically sayin’, “Here ya go, world. This is it. The end!” Very theatrical. Very… presumptuous, if you ask me. Though I hear he's quite the gardener, Rollins. Grows prize-winning petunias, did you know? Completely changes the perspective, doesn’t it?

Then you get into the really… evocative stuff. Abyss, a fella I once saw challenge a seagull to a staring contest (the seagull won, naturally), had “The Black Hole Slam.” A BLACK HOLE! In wrestling! That’s not just a move, that’s astrophysics! I’m fairly certain he studied under Stephen Hawking, Abyss did. Well, not under him, more like… in the same general area.

And the classics! Scott Hall and “The Razor’s Edge.” Ouch. Sounds… dangerous. Like you'd need a tetanus shot just watching it. And The Undertaker’s “Tombstone Piledriver.” Goodness gracious. That’s not a wrestling move, that’s a threat! I bet he gets a discount at the cemetery, that one.

Now, the Road Warriors? Those fellas were all about intimidation. “The Doomsday Device”? Perfect! A bit over the top, yes, but it fits! Like a perfectly fitted pair of… wrestling boots. Which, incidentally, I collect. Over 300 pairs! Mostly left feet, though. Long story.

But it’s not always about doom and gloom. Sometimes it's downright silly! "The People's Elbow," courtesy of The Rock? It’s a JOKE! A beautiful, glorious joke! And “The DDT,” named after a pesticide?! Oh, Jake Roberts, you scoundrel! I bet he had a lovely garden, though. Everything always comes back to gardens, doesn't it?

Then you have the truly bizarre. Rey Mysterio with “The 619.” Just a number! What does that even MEAN?! It’s like naming a sandwich “The 42.” Makes absolutely no sense, but somehow… it works! And Triple H’s "Mandible Claw"? Sounds like something a prehistoric monster would use to crack nuts!

And don’t even get me started on some of these international sensations. Hiroshi Tanahashi's "Made in Japan?" Is he… manufactured? Is this a commentary on consumerism? And Kazuchika Okada's "Rainmaker"? Is he controlling the weather now?! Wrestlers these days, I tell ya.

Honestly, the best move names, the ones that truly stick, they're either perfectly suited to the wrestler, a little bit scary, or just completely and wonderfully ridiculous. They add to the spectacle, folks! They're part of the magic! And if you'll excuse me, I have to go polish my left wrestling boots. It's a very important job, you know. A very important job.