GRAND RAPIDS MELTING! Beaver Alert! Blob Says 94! (And My Rock Predicted Rain!)

Grand Rapids Sweltering Under the Grip of the Great Heat Blob! (And a Beaver Spotted!)

Greetings, Jape News readers! Bronbus Quitley here, your resident weather… enthusiast! And let me tell you, folks, it’s a scorcher today! We’s got ourselves right smack-dab under what I’m calling “The Great Heat Blob!” It's like… well, imagine a giant marshmallow, but instead of sugar, it's pure, concentrated sunshine! That's what's happening above Grand Rapids today!

Right now, it’s partly cloudy, but don’t let those clouds fool you! We're hitting a high of 87 degrees Fahrenheit, with a steady southerly wind gently pushing that heat right down on us. Feels like the Sahara, I tell you! My Aunt Mildred, she once visited the Sahara... said it felt like a hug from a friendly dragon! I don’t know about friendly, but it's definitely warm.

They’re calling this a “heat dome,” which, according to my calculations (using seashells and a very confused hamster), means it’s going to stick around! ForecastWatch—they're a very serious organization, they track weather forecasters—says The Weather Channel claims to be the “world’s most accurate forecaster!” Now, I’m not saying they’re wrong, but my pet rock, Bartholomew, predicted sprinkles last Tuesday and he was way off! Bartholomew’s got a lot of heart though.

Looking ahead, Wednesday is going to be even hotter – a balmy 94 degrees! Wednesday will be when the Great Heat Blob really starts to flex its muscles! Don't underestimate the Blob! Thursday brings some relief with scattered thunderstorms, but don’t get your hopes up too high – they’re calling for a high of only 84! That's still pretty toasty! And Friday? Variable clouds with rain. Perfect for washing the marshmallow… I mean, heat, off of everything!

But it’s not all doom and gloom! In other news, a neighbor spotted a beaver near the Grand River! A beaver! Can you believe it? Beavers are amazing creatures. Did you know their teeth never stop growing? They’re constantly gnawing to keep them from getting too long! Kind of like how I constantly have to fact-check myself.

Speaking of neighbors, someone’s looking for a futon! If you have a spare, they’re desperate! And for only $30, you can snag yourself an Amazon Echo Dot! Think of the possibilities! You can ask it the meaning of life! You can ask it to play polka music! You can ask it to tell you how many times I’s been wrong about the weather!

Oh, and remember to watch out for grass pollen! It’s high! And the risk of the flu is very, very low. Apparently, everyone’s too busy sweating to catch a cold!

For more information, you can check out The Weather Company’s pages. They have stuff about their mission, their careers, even their data APIs! Just don't ask Bartholomew. He doesn’s know what an API is.

Stay cool, Jape News readers! And watch out for the Great Heat Blob!

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