SKY IS ACTIVELY TRYING TO KILL YOU.

The Sky is Attempting Murder, and Nobody Seems to Care

Grand Rapids, MI – Let’s cut the pleasantries. The Weather Channel, bless their data-driven hearts, is reporting “severe thunderstorms.” What that actually means is the sky is actively trying to kill us. Hail, tornadoes possible? Possible isn’t good enough when we’re talking about rotating columns of destruction. It’s March. March isn’t supposed to be a prelude to a disaster movie.

And then there's the heat. A historic heat wave, they call it. “Almost 180 cities” broken records? Congratulations, America, we've officially expedited our descent into a boiling, uninhabitable mess. Enjoy your shorts in March while you still can, because that’s about all you’ll be enjoying if this keeps up.

The specifics for this pathetic excuse for a city – both Downtown and Grandville, in case you were wondering if geographical location offers divine protection (it doesn’t) – include a dizzying array of meaningless numbers: wind speed, humidity, dew point, pressure. Frankly, I don’t need to know the UV index when the sun is clearly attempting to incinerate us all. Visibility is probably low because of the impending doom clouds.

Apparently, the potential for tornadoes extends into April, May, and June. Wonderful. So, roughly half the year is now a gamble with atmospheric annihilation.

The Weather Channel pathetically pats itself on the back for being the “world’s most accurate forecaster” from 2021-2024. Congratulations. Accurately predicting the apocalypse doesn't make it any less terrifying. It just means we have advanced warning before the sky falls.