March Madness: Dinosaurs, Digital Cats & My Aunt Mildred's Telephone!

Bronbus Quitley's Absolutely Definitive (and Totally Accurate) Gaming Rundown - March Mayhem!

Greetings, gamers, and welcome to the Quitley Report! Your source for all things digital… and sometimes, surprisingly, analog. I’m Bronbus Quitley, and let me tell you, March was a month. A month of pixels, polygons, and pure, unadulterated joy – mostly. And also, a concerning amount of digital dinosaurs, but we’ll get to that.

Now, I've been crunching the numbers (with my abacus, naturally. Modern technology is just asking for a robot uprising) and it's clear: PC is absolutely dominating. Did you know PC gaming spending is up a whopping 30% in the last five years? 30%! That's… well, that’s a lot. Console spending? A measly 2.3%. Honestly, consoles are basically digital dust bunnies at this point. Though, my Aunt Mildred loves her console. She thinks the controller is a fancy telephone. Bless her heart.

But let's talk games! Oh, the games!

Gray Zone Warfare is a big one. Apparently, it involves tactical… stuff. I tried watching someone play, and honestly, it looked like they were herding digital cats. But hey, it climbed 49 ranks in a day! Cats are notoriously difficult to herd, so that’s… impressive?

Then there's ASTRONEER. Now this I understand. Space! Building! No oxygen! It’s like digital camping, but with more lasers. It’s been bouncing around the top 10 like a hyperactive kangaroo. Speaking of kangaroos, did you know they can’t walk backwards? True story. I read it on the internet.

And listen to this! Crusaders Quest: Hero Town shot up a ridiculous 87 ranks! 87! That’s almost as many ranks as my shoe size. (It’s a 9, if you’re curious. Wide width). Apparently, it’s some kind of hero-collecting, town-building game. Very trendy.

But the real surprises? The Long Dark jumped a staggering 324 ranks! 324! It's a survival game about being… well, in the long dark. Makes sense. I’m starting to suspect people are preparing for the aforementioned robot uprising. Smart.

We had Marvel Rivals and ARC Raiders fighting for the top spot, a real clash of the titans! Though, I’m pretty sure my neighbor’s chihuahua thinks he’s a titan. A very small, yappy titan.

And then there’s Borderlands 4. Look, I love a good looter-shooter, but four? They’re just running out of planets to blow up! I’m predicting Borderlands 5 will be set entirely inside a toaster. You heard it here first.

Baldur's Gate 3 is still kicking around, which is nice. It’s got dragons and magic and… romance? I hear it's very romance-y. Though, my attempts at romance usually end with me tripping over the rug.

Now, onto the comeback kids! Phasmophobia had a +124 rank jump! Ghosts are apparently very in this season. And Worms W.M.D.? A massive +366! Worms! Who knew people still played Worms?! I haven't seen a worm since… well, since I accidentally stepped on one in my garden last Tuesday. Sorry, little guy.

Oh! And FINAL FANTASY XIV Online! +184 ranks! The numbers don't lie, folks. People are logging in and getting their Final Fantasy on!

And for those of you with truly robust gaming rigs, Halo: The Master Chief Collection exploded onto the scene with a +349 jump! Seems folks are feeling nostalgic for the days of space marines and… well, more space marines.

But hold onto your hats, because the real surprise is Dying Light: The Beast Restored Land and The Isle are trending! Dinosaurs! Digital dinosaurs are taking over! I told you! This is why I’ve been stockpiling bananas! Dinosaurs love bananas, you see. It's a fact. A completely factual fact.

So there you have it! March was a wild ride, a glorious mess of pixels and possibilities. Keep gaming, keep having fun, and for goodness sake, watch out for those digital dinosaurs!

This is Bronbus Quitley, signing off! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go polish my banana stockpile. Just in case.