WORLD’S GONE BONKERS—FROGS, LICORICE & YAKS OH MY!

A World Gone Wibbly-Wobbly, Timey-Wimey… and Slightly Smoky

By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News International Correspondent (and Enthusiast of Fine Hats)

Good morning, citizens of Earth! Bronbus Quitley here, reporting live from… well, from my armchair mostly, but spiritually I’m everywhere! And let me tell you, folks, things are… happening. A LOT of happenings. It's like the world decided to try and break its high score on the "Chaos" video game.

First off, Ukraine! Drones are buzzing around, causing fires at Russian ports. Apparently, it’s all leading up to some peace talks brokered by the Americans. Good! Though I heard a rumor – just a rumor, mind you, from a very reliable pigeon – that the negotiating table is made entirely of licorice. Imagine the stickiness! Now that’s diplomacy.

Speaking of sticky situations, Russia! They say poor old Navalny was poisoned… with FROG toxin! Can you believe it? Frogs! I always knew those amphibians were up to no good. I once tried to train a frog to deliver newspapers, but it kept hopping off with the headlines. Unreliable, those frogs. Utterly unreliable.

Then there’s Iran. Eleven folks lost their lives in Gaza, which is dreadful, absolutely dreadful. And people are protesting! All over the world! Munich, Los Angeles, Toronto… you name it, they’re out there waving signs. It’s a right kerfuffle. And this nuclear deal? Iran says the “ball is in America’s court.” I say the ball is made of bouncy castle material and will probably end up in orbit. Just a thought. Plus, they've got a protester who… well, let’s just say it’s a bit of a mystery. Some suspect foul play, and honestly, I suspect the pigeons are involved somehow. They’re always watching.

Now, let’s hop on over to Bangladesh! They’ve elected a party dedicated to Islamic law! Fascinating! Did you know that Bangladesh is statistically the most likely place to find a left-handed yak? It’s true, I read it in a pamphlet once. A very official-looking pamphlet.

China, meanwhile, is building up its nuclear arsenal. More nukes. Wonderful. Just what we need. Although, I propose we paint them all bright pink. That would confuse everyone. And confusion is the key to world peace, I always say!

Nigeria isn’t having much luck either, with motorbike raids causing all sorts of trouble. Motorbikes! Imagine the getaway speed! It’s faster than a cheetah wearing roller skates, I tell you!

Up in Canada, they’re giving their own arms suppliers priority over American ones. Smart move, eh? Keeps the maple syrup flowing, you know. That stuff is liquid gold, practically. Liquid. Gold.

And get this, President Trump is criticizing the Israeli President! Over a corruption trial! It's all very dramatic, like a soap opera but with more international politics. I’m starting a pool on who will throw the first olive branch.

Finally, in Australia, they've got a black market cigarette boom. Apparently, the taxes are so high, everyone’s smuggling them in. I once tried to smuggle in a lifetime supply of bubblegum, but customs caught me. They said it was “excessive.” Can you believe it?!

So there you have it, folks! The world in a nutshell. A slightly cracked, wobbly, possibly licorice-covered nutshell. Stay tuned, and remember: always wear a hat. It helps with the chaos.