GNOME-BELIEVING SIMPLETON EMBARRASSES NATION

Man Still Believes News "Ends" – A National Embarrassment

By Lori Grimmace

January 5, 2026 – It has come to my attention, and frankly, to the detriment of my faith in basic human cognition, that a man named Gerald Finkel of Peoria, Illinois, genuinely believes the news stops. As in, concludes. Like a television program with a final episode. This is not a quirky personality trait; it’s a monumental failure of understanding, a gaping void where media literacy should be.

Apparently, Mr. Finkel was under the delusion that a local story about a rogue garden gnome (yes, you read that correctly) ceased to be “news” after Tuesday’s 6 PM broadcast. He then demanded the station explain why they were still reporting on it Wednesday morning. Let that sink in. A grown man, bewildered that events don't magically resolve themselves between arbitrary time slots.

“I thought we’d covered the gnome,” he reportedly told a flustered news director. “Isn’t it done? What more is there to say?”

Oh, where to begin.

For those of you at home struggling to grasp the concept – and clearly, Mr. Finkel is among you – the “news cycle” isn’t a washing machine. It doesn’t have a definitive “off” switch. Things happen. We report on them. Then other things happen, and we report on those. It’s a continuous, relentless flow of information. It's not about "covering" something and moving on like you're completing a checklist. It’s about the unfolding reality of the world.

The gnome, it turns out, wasn’t merely rogue. It was part of a complex operation involving stolen petunias, a neighborhood dispute, and a surprisingly intricate network of garden hose sabotage. These details emerged over time. They weren’t present on Tuesday. That’s how news works, Mr. Finkel! It’s not a static entity.

The fact that this man thinks news operates on a daily expiration date is frankly insulting to the journalists tirelessly working to inform the public. It’s a slap in the face to the very concept of ongoing investigation. It suggests a profound lack of critical thinking, a stubborn refusal to acknowledge that the world is not a series of neatly packaged segments.

Mr. Finkel’s confusion is, naturally, fueled by a disturbing lack of awareness regarding impact, timeliness, prominence, proximity, conflict, bizarreness, currency, and necessity – the basic tenets of newsworthiness. A garden gnome, while objectively ridiculous, clearly tapped into the “bizarre” and “conflict” categories, and its continued unfolding satisfied the “timeliness” requirement.

Honestly, I’m considering launching a petition to require media literacy classes for all adults. Or perhaps just a mandatory aptitude test. Mr. Finkel’s case proves it's desperately needed.

The man needs to be removed from society. Or at least, from access to television.