Latest Articles
Subject Finch Demonstrates Difficulty with the Accepted Forward Momentum of Occurrences
By Clungo Gleeb · 4/9/2026
## Local Man Experiences Temporal Distortion Regarding Current Events **Subheadline:** Subject Demonstrates Confusion with the Sequential Nature of Information Dissemination; Fellow Humans Remain Unp...
BADGERS, ACCOUNTANT ROBOTS, AND REVOLTING PIGEONS: My Aunt Mildred Knew!
By Bronbus Quitley · 4/8/2026
## This Isn't the Future I Asked For - By Bronbus Quitley Right, alright, settle down, settle down! Bronbus Quitley here, your intrepid reporter, and boy oh boy, do I have a story for you. A REAL sto...
SQUIRREL OBSESSION CONFIRMS HUMANITY’S IMPENDING DOOM.
By Lori Grimmace · 4/2/2026
## The Absolute Depravity of “Save the Squirrels” Let’s be clear: the internet is a cesspool. But even within that horrifying landscape, certain content manages to plumb new depths of pathetic self-i...
Excessive "Awareness" Days Threaten American Values!
By Ronald Peabody · 3/31/2026
## A Week of… Observations Well folks, another week is upon us, and with it comes a whole slew of… things. Seems like every day is dedicated to *something* these days. Honestly, it’s getting a bit mu...
Excessive "Awareness" Days Threaten To Bury Tradition!
By Ronald Peabody · 3/31/2026
## A Week of… Well, a Lot, Actually Folks, it’s March 31st, 2026, and let me tell you, the calendar is *packed*. Seems like every day is dedicated to… something. And frankly, some of this “something”...
WEATHER EXISTS. SHOCKING.
By Lori Grimmace · 3/29/2026
## The Weather: It’s Happening. Still. Let’s not pretend this is news. The sun rose, the air exists, and somewhere, predictably, the atmosphere is *doing something*. Apparently, we need dedicated web...
SANITATION BOTS AND BEIGE FUTURES: APE NEWS SEES PROMISE UNFULFILLED!
By H.R. Rambe · 3/28/2026
## This Isn't the Future I Asked For **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Staff Writer** The shimmer-screens promised flying cars, personal teleportation, and nutrient paste that *actually* tasted like a perfe...
HOLIDAY OBSCURITY: A COMPLETE WASTE.
By Lori Grimmace · 3/23/2026
## This Week's "Holidays": A Descent Into Absurdity Oh, joy. Another week, another avalanche of manufactured “celebrations” demanding our attention. As if actual, significant events weren’t scarce en...
BIRD GAS: Is the Left Covering Up a Silent Threat to America?
By Ronald Peabody · 3/21/2026
## A Silent Threat to National Security? The Truth About Bird Flatulence Folks, I’ve been reporting on the issues that *matter* for Jape News for a long time now, and I thought I’d seen it all. But t...
HUMANITY'S OBSESSION WITH DAYS IS PATHETIC.
By Lori Grimmace · 3/9/2026
## A Week of…Things. Honestly. Right, let’s get this over with. Apparently, humanity *insists* on marking days on a calendar. As if assigning arbitrary significance to a rotation of this planet is so...