PLUMTREE: UTTERLY DELUSIONAL.

Bartholomew and the Void: A Cautionary Tale of Naive Expectation

Bartholomew Plumtree is, to put it mildly, an idiot. Not a malicious idiot, mind you, just profoundly, stubbornly unaware of how the world operates. And his recent foray into public outrage proves it.

Three days ago, Bartholomew witnessed a pigeon steal a french fry from a child in the park. A perfectly mundane event. He filmed it, naturally. Then, convinced this was a crime against humanity worthy of international condemnation, he uploaded the footage with the caption: “PIGEON TERRORIZES INNOCENT!”

He then proceeded to wait for the news to pick it up.

Yes, you read that correctly. He expected CNN, the BBC, anyone to dedicate airtime to a feathered delinquent making off with a carbohydrate. He spent the next 72 hours refreshing news websites, increasingly apoplectic that the world hadn’t yet acknowledged the gravity of the situation. His social media is a monument to bewildered entitlement, a constant refrain of “WHERE IS THE COVERAGE?” and “THE MEDIA IS COMPLICIT!”

Let me be blunt: Bartholomew doesn’t grasp the concept of a news cycle. He thinks everything is equally important, that every single event deserves sustained attention. He believes a pigeon pilfering a fry is equivalent to, say, geopolitical unrest. It isn’t. It’s a fleeting, insignificant moment.

The news isn’t some benevolent entity obligated to report on whatever catches your eye, Bartholomew. It’s a churning, relentless beast, driven by immediacy and often, let’s be honest, manufactured drama. It moves on. It forgets. It prioritizes. And a bird stealing a snack simply doesn’t register on the scale of “things people actually care about after the initial amusement wears off.”

He’s now claiming a “liberal media conspiracy” is silencing him. The delusion is strong with this one.

Bartholomew Plumtree is a perfect example of why the public's expectations are often tragically misaligned with the reality of modern journalism. He exemplifies the danger of believing your personal outrage automatically constitutes news.

Consider this a public service announcement: if you film a mildly amusing animal encounter, do not expect to see it lead the evening news. It won’t. And frankly, thank goodness for that. Some things are best left as fleeting moments, not fuel for the perpetually hungry news machine.