NONSENSE. JUST NONSENSE.

Another Week, Another Avalanche of… This.

Honestly, does anyone even keep track anymore? It seems like every single day is “National Something-or-Other” now, a desperate attempt to inject meaning into the void. Fine. Here’s the rundown, so you can brace yourselves for the onslaught of manufactured celebrations.

We kick things off with April Fool’s Day on the 1st. Yes, the one day a year where people actively try to be annoying. As if daily life isn’t already enough. Coincidentally, it's also "Take Down Tobacco National Day of Action." As if virtue signaling about cigarettes on the same day people are encouraged to be deliberately deceptive isn't peak hypocrisy. And, naturally, it's the start of "American Crossword Puzzles Week." Because what America really needs is more puzzling over pointless trivia.

The 2nd brings us the glorious combination of National Burrito Day and National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day. A sugar and carb overload for the ages. Florida gets to pat itself on the back with “Pascua Florida Day,” and the UN has deemed the 2nd “World Autism Awareness Day.” Awareness is great, action is better. Stop with the blue lights and do something useful.

Then, prepare for a somber 3rd with Good Friday (if you happen to be in one of the states that acknowledges it) and César Chávez Day. Both are…fine. Respectable, if you’re into that sort of thing.

The 4th? Holy Saturday and “Mine Awareness Day.” Honestly, the juxtaposition is unsettling. Celebrate a religious holiday, then immediately be reminded of the landmines littering the globe. Peak bleakness.

And then, then we get to Easter on the 5th. Fine, families gathering, the forced joy. Alongside it? "National Deep Dish Pizza Day" and “National Recommit to Your Fitness Day.” So, eat a calorie bomb and then feel guilty about it? Brilliant.

The week stumbles to a close with Easter Monday, “International Day of Sport for Development and Peace” (because sports magically solve everything, apparently), and “National Tartan Day.” Tartan. Seriously?

There. I’ve said it. A week of hollow gestures and forced merriment. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a quiet corner and contemplate the meaninglessness of it all. Don't expect a cheerful follow-up.