PIGEONS, PICKLES, & POTENTIAL DOOMSDAY: I BUILT AN EIFFEL TOWER (DON'T)

Is the World Ending? (Probably Not, But Let’s Talk About It) - By Bronbus Quitley

Okay, okay, deep breaths everyone! I just spent the last three days trying to build a fully functional replica of the Eiffel Tower out of toothpicks – it did not go well, let me tell you – and even I need a break from the, uh, “goings on.” And honestly, if a man who once tried to train pigeons to deliver packages (they kept getting distracted by shiny things, a real debacle) is feeling a little frayed around the edges, you probably are too!

The news, folks. It's… a lot. I swear, back in my grandfather’s day, the biggest worry was whether the rhubarb crop would fail. Now? Meteors, political squabbles, the price of artisanal pickles… it's enough to make a sane person consider living in a yurt and only communicating via carrier snail.

My Aunt Mildred – a woman who believes squirrels are government spies (and honestly, have you looked into a squirrel’s eyes?) – she told me she’s started wearing a tin foil hat inside her house. And while I admire the commitment, I think we can find slightly less…reflective solutions.

So, what do we do? Well, first of all, STOP staring at the little glowing rectangle! Seriously. I know, I know, it's like trying to tell a moth to ignore a really bright lamp. But try setting a time. Like, 8:00 PM sharp. News hour. Then close the thing. Go build something out of toothpicks! (Maybe not the Eiffel Tower, though. Learn from my mistakes.) Or read a book. I just finished one about the history of competitive cheese rolling. Fascinating stuff, truly. Did you know they use a Double Gloucester cheese?! A round cheese! It’s practically designed to roll away from you.

Now, some folks say you should just “understand the bigger picture.” I tried that once. Ended up drawing a very confusing flowchart involving the migration patterns of Canadian geese and the fluctuating price of tapioca pudding. It didn’t help. But honestly, thinking about how things have always been messy is kind of… comforting? The Romans had chariot races that ended in fiery crashes! The Vikings raided villages! We’re not exactly living in unprecedented times, just… uniquely stressful ones.

And here’s a secret: you gotta do something! I started volunteering at the local cat shelter. Turns out, petting a fluffy feline is excellent for the nerves. Plus, they don’t care about the geopolitical landscape. They just want tuna. Beautiful, simple creatures. Get involved in your community! School board meetings are surprisingly spicy, let me tell you.

Oh, and move your body! I’ve been practicing interpretive dance in my garden. The neighbors are…concerned. But I feel fantastic! And breathe. Deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. It’s like giving your brain a little vacation. A tiny, internal beach getaway.

Also, write things down! I keep a journal filled with my brilliant ideas (mostly involving self-folding laundry) and anxieties. It's surprisingly therapeutic. And remember what makes you happy! For me, it’s collecting vintage bottle caps and attempting to communicate with pigeons. For you, it might be something different.

Look, the world is a weird and wonderful place, full of both joy and… well, everything else. Don’t let the worry monsters win. Take control of what you can, be kind to yourself, and maybe, just maybe, avoid building anything out of toothpicks. Trust me on that one.