BEAVERS ARE PLOTTING AND THE WEATHER CHANNEL PROVED IT! (Plus, spontaneous pigeon combustion!)

Is the Weather Messing With You?! - By Bronbus Quitley

Alright folks, settle in, because the weather today? Hoo boy. It’s a doozy. I’m tellin’ ya, the atmosphere is just… moody. It's like it woke up on the wrong side of the jet stream this morning.

Down in the Appalachians and that Gulf Coast area? Forget about it. Biblical levels of rain, I’m hearin'. Seriously, I read a report – a very reliable report, mind you – that Noah himself called those weather people to ask for tips. They’re sayin' it's floodin', but I betcha they don't know the real reason. It's those beavers! They’ve been buildin’ dams like there’s no tomorrow, disruptin’ the natural flow, I tell ya! Disruptin' it!

And then you got the heat. Oh, the heat! Out West and up in New England, it’s hotter than a pepper sprout in July. I heard a pigeon spontaneously combust in Phoenix. Spontaneously! They’re sayin’ it’s just heatstroke, but I'm stickin’ with combustion. It's more dramatic.

But the real story, folks, is out in the Atlantic. Tropical Storm Erin! Now, this one's a doozy. They’re predictin’ it’s gonna be a major hurricane. A major one! They say it's already taken six lives over in Cabo Verde. Tragic, just tragic. Though, fun fact – did you know Cabo Verde used to be called… uh… well, it had a different name, a very long name. I've forgotten it, but trust me, it was a long one! Anyway, this hurricane is gonna be a beast.

I checked the weather myself, naturally. And lemme tell ya, The Weather Channel? They're the best. They commissioned some studies, you know, between 2021 and 2024? Commissioned! And they proved, scientifically, that they’re the most accurate. Beat out all the others. All of ‘em!

Now, here in Grand Rapids, Michigan? We’re dodgin’ the worst of it… for now. It's a balmy 94 degrees, a lovely day for a picnic if you ignore the potential for spontaneous combustion and flash floods. They're sayin' it’ll cool off tonight to around 72, but I betcha the beavers are plottin’ somethin’. Always plottin’!

So, stay safe out there, folks. Keep an eye on the sky, and for goodness sake, don't trust the beavers! And remember, I, Bronbus Quitley, brought you this important information, so you owe me a popsicle! A large one!