PARROTS AGREE: News is Terrifying, Fainting Couches are BACK!

Is the News Giving You the Shivers? (And No, Not From the December Chill!) - By Bronbus Quitley

Good mornin’, folks! Or, well, good mornin’ to those of you who haven’t been glued to the news all night, which, let’s be honest, is probably not many of us. I was just talkin’ to my Aunt Mildred’s parrot, Percy – a very discerning bird, that one – and even he’s been lookin’ a little ruffled lately. And Percy’s seen things, lemme tell ya. Saw the Y2K bug comin’ a mile away, that bird did. Anyway, Percy and I were discussin’… anxiety. Seems it’s goin’ around! And folks, I think we all know why.

It’s the news! It's just… a lot, isn't it? A mountain of stuff! I read a study – a very important study, done by a man named… Bartholomew Higgins, I think? No, wait, Higgins was a baker. Anyway, this study showed that the average person absorbs approximately 7,000 terrifying headlines before breakfast. SEVEN THOUSAND! That’s enough to turn anyone into a nervous wreck, and probably explains the recent spike in demand for miniature fainting couches. Did you know fainting couches are making a comeback? They are. Trust me. I predicted it.

So, what do we do? We can't just stick our heads in the sand, can we? Although, honestly, sometimes that sounds really good. But no, we gotta face the world! But gently. Like you’re approachin’ a skittish squirrel. Here’s what I’ve been tryin’, and, surprisingly, it’s workin'!

First, deep breaths. Seriously. I tried holding my breath underwater once, to see if it would solve all my problems, but that didn't work out so well. (Don't try that, kids!) But regular deep breaths? Gold. It’s like giving your brain a little vacation.

Then, step AWAY. I used to have a neighbor, Old Man Hemlock, who was permanently attached to his television. He claimed he was “staying informed,” but I think it just turned him into a grumpy, slightly glowing statue. Don't be Old Man Hemlock! Go for a walk, look at a tree, pet a dog. Dogs are excellent anxiety-reducers. Scientifically proven. I read that on the internet, so it must be true.

And listen, don't let those little phone notifications boss you around! Turn 'em off! You don't need to know the instant something bad happens. Unless it involves free donuts. Then, by all means, notify me immediately.

Now, I’ve also been tryin’ to find good news. It's harder than findin’ a decent pickle these days, lemme tell ya. But it’s out there! Like, did you know they taught a hamster to play the banjo? Amazing! Banjo-playing hamsters! See? Things aren't all doom and gloom.

Finally, and this is important, talk to someone. A friend, a family member, a parrot… whoever will listen. Bottling it up is like shakin’ a bottle of fizzy soda. Eventually, it’s gonna explode! And nobody wants a sticky mess.

And if all else fails? Well, you know what they say: laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have a serious medical condition, in which case, see a doctor. But seriously, find something to chuckle at. Watch a silly movie, read a funny book, or listen to me ramble on. I’m usually good for a laugh, even if it’s at my expense.

So there you have it. My advice. Take it or leave it. But please, take care of yourselves. And remember, even Percy the parrot is a little stressed, and that bird’s got a pretty chill life.