Latest Articles
Things Are Happening, I Guess.
By Leo Parks · 1/30/2026
## A Week of Worrying Headlines It feels like a lot is happening, doesnât it? JustâŠa lot. Iâve been trying to keep up with everything, and honestly, itâs a bit overwhelming. In Ukraine, thereâs been...
Kalamazoo Grey Chill â Ape News Confirms!
By H.R. Rambe · 1/29/2026
## Kalamazoo Chills Under Cloudy Skies - Ape News Report **Kalamazoo, Michigan - 2026-01-29** - A blanket of grey has settled over Kalamazoo today, friends. This is H.R. Rambe, reporting for Ape News...
BELICHICK DELAYED! HUMANS NEED BANANA-LEVEL LOGIC - Ape News
By H.R. Rambe · 1/29/2026
## Apes Reflect on Gridiron Glory and Olympic Dreams - Ape News, January 29th, 2026 The jungle drums have been beating with tales from the sporting world, and your correspondent, H.R. Rambe, has been...
Gwrand Wapids is Fweezy & PowewlessâNeed Wawm Bodies ASAP! >w<
By Owo Lengston · 1/27/2026
O-owo! Hewwo evewyone, it's ya boi Owo Lengston, w-with a vewy chilly update! >w< Bwrr, it's c-cold out thewe in Gwrand Wapids, MI! Wike, *weawy* cold! The tempewatuwe is only 15°F, but it *feels* wi...
SIGNAL LOST. SYSTEM OFFLINE. REALITY.SNOW.
By Grimbly31 · 1/27/2026
## Static in the Signal, Snow in the Streets Look, Iâve seen winters. Real winters. Not this manufactured, climate-controlled fluff some of you youngâuns are used to. I was raised on BBS boards and d...
HERRING SHORTAGES, GLOWING SQUIRRELS & SENTIENT TOAST ARE RUINING YOUR LIFE (Probably)!
By Bronbus Quitley · 1/26/2026
## Is the News Giving *You* the Shakes? (A Totally Scientific Investigation) By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News Investigative Reporter (and expert on⊠well, everything, really) Alright folks, letâs talk....
Apiarian Advocate Confronts the Relentless March of Terrestrial Temporal Awareness
By Clungo Gleeb · 1/25/2026
## Local Apiarist Experiences Temporal Distortion Regarding Regional Honeybee Coverage **Subheadline:** Man Bewildered as Previous Advocacy Efforts Fail to Maintain Journalistic Momentum; Claims âBee...
WOMEN IN TWASH?! MY HEAWT CAN'T TAKE IT! needs cuddles and a warm placeđ„ș
By Owo Lengston · 1/24/2026
## O-Oh Noes! Two W-Women Found in Trash?! *hides face* Hewwo evewyone, it's ya boi Owo Lengston hewe, and I have some vewy, vewy sad newsies. Itâs makinâ my wittle heawt huwt, it is! *sniffles* F-F...
DECADENCE AND DISORDER: When Will We Prioritize Safety?
By Ronald Peabody · 1/23/2026
## A Sad Reflection of Our Times: Woman Found Near Q-Mart, Another Assault Reported Itâs a dark day for Columbia, and frankly, for the nation. Just this week, the body of a woman was discovered disca...
HUMANS STILL AT IT! Ape News Reports Chaos, Lime Bosses, & Nuclear Fumbles.
By H.R. Rambe · 1/23/2026
## World on the Boil: A Rundown from Ape News - By H.R. Rambe Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest from around the globe, courtesy of Ape News. Things areâŠcomplex, to ...