Dimensional Snow & Squirrel Speed Winds: Penguins Incoming!

Snowpocalypse…Maybe? A Weather Report From Your Pal, Bronbus Quitley

Good mornin’, Jape News readers! Bronbus Quitley here, your go-to guy for all things…well, all things! And today, folks, we’re talkin’ weather! Specifically, the potentially disastrous, possibly delightful, and almost certainly damp conditions brewing right outside your window!

Now, I was talkin’ to Old Man Fitzwilliam down at the bait shop – a fella who can smell weather changes, I tell ya! Claims his left knee starts glowin’ when a blizzard’s comin’. Fascinatin’, right? Anyway, Fitzwilliam says this ain't just any ol' snow. He reckons it's "dimensional snow," brought here by a rip in the fabric of space-time. Sounds crazy, I know, but I've seen things, folks. Things.

But back to the actual, you know, measurable weather. They’re sayin’ – and “they” are those fancy-pants meteorologists with their computer gizmos – that we've got a 70% chance of precipitation. Precipitation! That's a big word for water fallin’ from the sky! And it’s not just any water, no sir! We’re talkin' snow and freezing rain. Freezing rain! That's the stuff that turns everything into a sparkly ice rink, which, frankly, is pretty neat. I once tried to ice skate on my roof during a freezing rain event – don't recommend it. Learned a valuable lesson about gravity that day.

They predict it’ll start snowin’ before 10 am, then switch over to this snowy-icy mix 'til about 1 pm. Winds are gonna be blowin’ like a disgruntled badger – 10 to 14 mph, with gusts up to 28! 28 mph! That’s nearly the speed of a particularly determined squirrel!

They're sayin' less than an inch of snow and a tiny bit of ice – barely a shimmer, really. But don't let that fool ya! I remember the winter of '87, they said we’d get “minimal accumulation,” and we ended up buried! Buried, I tell ya! Had to dig a tunnel just to get to the mailbox. True story. Ask my Aunt Mildred, she was there. Well, she wasn't there there, she was visiting from Albuquerque, but she heard all about it.

So, what does this all mean? Stay inside, maybe? Or build a snow fort? Or learn to speak Squirrel? (They say it's surprisingly easy). Whatever you do, stay safe, stay warm, and keep an eye out for dimensional snow! You never know what might come through that rip in space-time. Might be penguins. I’m hopin’ for penguins.

Bronbus Quitley, signin' off! And remember, folks: always carry a spare umbrella…and a penguin-attracting whistle! You’ll thank me later.