SQUID ARE CONTROLLING THE WEATHER AND MILDRED SAYS FIREFLIES ARE REHEARSING!

Is it Spring? Is it Summer? Is it…Squid?! - A Grand Rapids Weather Report

By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News Weather Correspondent (and amateur marine biologist)

Well folks, buckle your galoshes, because the weather in Grand Rapids today is…confusing! Honestly, it’s got me questioning everything I thought I knew about atmospheric pressure and, frankly, cephalopods.

Right now, it’s a lovely 51 degrees, which, let me tell you, is practically balmy for March. I remember back in ‘78, we had a March where it never got above freezing. Never! Old Man Hemlock lost three prize-winning petunias, three! But today? 51! And partly cloudy! You could almost, almost believe it’s spring.

Almost.

Because the forecast is calling for a high of 68 degrees! Sixty-eight! That’s basically shorts weather. My cousin Mildred, she swears 68 degrees is when the fireflies start practicing their blinking. I haven't confirmed this, but Mildred is usually right about things involving bioluminescence.

But HOLD ONTO YOUR HATS, folks, because it gets weirder. There’s a 60% chance of showers and thunderstorms tonight. Thunderstorms in late March? That’s unheard of! Unless…unless it’s the squid.

Now, you’re probably thinking, “Bronbus, what in tarnation are you talking about with the squid?” Well, I’ve been doing some very intensive research (mostly staring out my window) and I’ve discovered a direct correlation between unusually dramatic weather patterns and large gatherings of Humboldt Squid in the Great Lakes. They emit a sort of…electromagnetic pulse that messes with the jet stream. It’s science! (Don’t look it up, I haven’t finished writing the paper.)

So, expect some showers around 11pm, maybe some lightning, and potentially, a brief glimpse of a very large, very confused squid. Don’t worry, they’re mostly harmless. Mostly.

Oh, and a quick word to our friends out West. Apparently, things are a little…toasty out there. Fire weather concerns, they’re saying. Remember kids, don't play with matches! Or squid.

The wind is a gentle southwest breeze at 7 mph right now, perfect for flying a kite. Unless, of course, a squid tries to steal it. Stay tuned to Jape News for further updates, and remember: always be prepared for anything! Especially squid.