FUNERALS GONE WILD: Decency Dies With The Departed!

A Final Laugh: Top Ten Things People Actually Said At Funerals

Folks, let’s be honest. Funerals are supposed to be somber. A time for reflection, for mourning the loss of a loved one, and for remembering the good times. But increasingly, we’re seeing a trend, a…disrespect, if you ask me, for tradition. People are cracking jokes at funerals. Actual jokes! And not the respectful, “remember-when” kind, but…well, you’ll see.

Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t celebrate a life well-lived. A good chuckle can be healing. But there’s a line, folks, a line! And it’s being crossed. I’ve been digging through reports, talking to funeral directors (good, upstanding people, most of ‘em), and compiling a list of the ten most outlandish things said at funerals recently. And let me tell you, it’s a slippery slope.

10. “One of the people in this room is responsible for Blaine’s death…you know who you are…” – Talk about awkward! Imagine being at a funeral, genuinely grieving, and then being publicly accused of…something. This isn’t a courtroom, it’s a funeral! The family deserves closure, not a whodunnit.

9. “He is gone to that place where all lost socks disappear to – the great beyond.” – Socks? Really? Is this what we’ve come to? Making light of the afterlife with…hosiery? I appreciate a bit of whimsy, but this feels…lazy.

8. “His final last words were, ‘The treasure is buried under the–”’ – Leaving everyone on a cliffhanger? During a funeral? This is selfish! And frankly, irresponsible. Someone needs to go dig up that treasure! For the family, of course.

7. “My grandmother always said, ‘Don’t cry because I’m gone, cry because the casket closed before I could take my knitting needles with me.’” – I’ll admit, this one got a chuckle out of me. But seriously, knitting needles? What are they gonna do with knitting needles in the afterlife?

6. “This is an awkward time to bring this up, but Blaine insisted that anyone attending pay a cover charge.” – A cover charge? For a funeral? Some people just have no shame! It’s bad enough folks are grieving, now they gotta pay to do it?

5. “He wanted all of you to know that his wife is cremating him to hide the evidence.” – Now we're getting into criminal territory! I understand eccentric requests, but this is unsettling. I hope the authorities are looking into this…just in case.

4. “If you are thinking of dating my wife, I will come back you bastard!” – This, ladies and gentlemen, is a threat from beyond the grave. I’m fairly certain that’s illegal. And incredibly possessive.

3. “I honestly expected this carved on a pyramid…” – A pyramid? Seriously? This person clearly had delusions of grandeur. And poor taste.

2. “Blaine wanted all of you to know that he’s not funding a buffet dinner afterwards. You get a show, not a meal.” – A show? Not a meal? What is this, a circus? People are hungry after a funeral! A little comfort food goes a long way!

And the number one most outrageous thing said at a funeral…

1. “I set the bomb to go off at–” – I…I can’t even. I just…can’t. This is beyond inappropriate. This is dangerous. This is grounds for immediate arrest! Honestly, this is why we can’t have nice things.

Now, alongside these verbal offenses, we’re also seeing increasingly bizarre requests. People want to be frozen in carbonite (like Han Solo, apparently), buried with air compressors, or have Viking longboats parked outside the funeral home. One fellow even demanded his eulogy be delivered in Klingon! Klingon!

Where does it end, folks? Where does it end? We need to restore some dignity to the grieving process. Remember the golden rule: when in doubt, keep it respectful. And leave the jokes for a less…sacred occasion.