WORLD INSISTS ON BEING MILDLY LESS AWFUL. STILL DISAPPOINTING.

Stop the Presses: A World Apparently Determined to Be… Decent?

Right. Let’s get this over with. I’ve been tasked with compiling a rundown of “uplifting” world news. Uplifting. As if the world hasn’t been determined to disappoint us all for, oh, millennia. Still, a job's a job, and the editors seem to think people want to hear about niceness. Fine. Here's the deluge of positivity, presented with the appropriate level of cynical detachment.

Apparently, people are still engaging in basic human decency. Shocking. A teen, predictably needing a reward for not being awful, turned in $3,500. Cue the fanfare and a job offer. As if basic honesty warrants a parade. Then there’s the guy returning his father’s ill-gotten “souvenir” from the Parthenon. Turns out it wasn't just a souvenir, but an even older relic. Good for him. Though frankly, it just highlights how many historical artifacts are floating around in private collections, pilfered from their rightful homes.

And the animals. Of course there are animals. A dog playing chicken with the Boston police during rush hour, a litter of fourteen pups delivered with the assistance of pet sitters. It’s fluff. Pure, unadulterated fluff designed to distract you from the impending doom of climate change. Don’t fall for it.

We have a woman inexplicably thrilled about a condo overlooking a stadium despite, one assumes, hating football. A British-Egyptian activist reunited with family – a relief, certainly, but frankly, the fact that people are imprisoned for activism in the first place should be the headline. Stroke survivors engaging in singing sessions? That’s… nice. I suppose. Will it solve the healthcare crisis? No.

Let’s not forget the endless celebrity drivel. Taylor Swift baking bread. Groundbreaking. A man running a half marathon while pushing a pram. A feat of endurance, certainly, but a desperate attempt to portray ordinary life as inspiring.

Even the science news feels… sanitized. Shipwrecked Roman lead bars revealing dark matter observation possibilities? Intriguing, yes, but hardly a solution to the world’s problems. A “Macronesia” sanctuary protecting whales? Wonderful, until the next oil spill. And the long-awaited opening of the Grand Egyptian Museum? Decades delayed, and now suddenly a feel-good story? Don’t pretend it wasn’t a bureaucratic nightmare for years.

Then there’s the truly saccharine – a child writing to a NASA astronaut and receiving a reply. Utterly predictable, and designed to manipulate your emotions. It’s all engineered, I tell you. Engineered to make you forget the bleak reality.

Look, it’s not that these things didn’t happen. It’s that the sheer volume of “good news” feels… suspicious. A deliberate attempt to gloss over the chaos. So, enjoy your manufactured optimism. But don't mistake it for actual progress. I, for one, will be over here preparing for the inevitable collapse. Don't bother sending flowers.