FISH SLAPS IMMINENT! EARTH DOING THE CHARLESTON WHILE BADGERS PLUMMET!

Bronbus Quitley Reports: Is It Raining Cats and Dogs...Or Just Really Big Fish?

Well hello there, lovely people of Grand Rapids! Bronbus Quitley here, bringing you the real scoop on this…well, let’s just call it “atmospheric event” happening outside my window. They’re calling it rain. Rain. Pshaw! I’ve seen sprinkles more threatening!

Okay, okay, it is coming down pretty good. The weather folks – and I trust them about as far as I can throw a badger – are saying we’ve got a 93% chance of precipitation. 93%! That's practically guaranteed moisture! My Aunt Mildred always said anything over 80% means the fish will start falling from the sky. Not literally, of course. Though, back in ’78, Old Man Hemlock swore a perch landed in his prize-winning petunias during a similar storm. A prize-winning perch, mind you. Probably a genetic mutation, that one.

Anyway, the temperature is hovering around 59 degrees, which, frankly, is downright balmy considering we’re almost into May. Or is it April? Honestly, the days just blur together when you spend most of your time chasing rogue weather patterns. It’s supposed to dip down to 47 tonight, so get those thermal socks out! And maybe a helmet, just in case those fish decide to make an appearance.

They're saying it’s part of a "spring-like pattern" sweeping across the eastern half of the country. A "pattern," they say. I say it’s the Earth doing the Charleston! All this wind – a good 10 to 20 miles per hour, mind you – is proof! The Earth is dancing!

Oh, and there’s thunderstorms too. Lots of booming and flashing. Makes a fella yearn for a good cup of chamomile and a tin-foil hat. Don't judge me! It's good science! Keeps the government from reading your thoughts…or the fish from controlling your mind!

So, stay dry, Grand Rapids. Stay safe. And keep an eye out for airborne aquatic life. You never know! This is Bronbus Quitley, signing off and bracing for impact. And possibly a fish slap.