MICHIGAN IS A FREEZING DISGRACE.

Another February Day, Another Reason to Stay Inside

Grand Rapids, MI – Let’s be clear: if you ventured outside today hoping for a glimpse of spring, you made a mistake. A significant mistake. The temperature barely scraped 30 degrees, cloaked under a persistent, depressing blanket of cloud cover. Thirty degrees. In February. Groundbreaking.

Honestly, the weather report feels almost insulting. “Mostly cloudy”? That’s a generous description for the gray monotony that’s been suffocating this city for weeks. And the forecast promises…more of the same tonight, dipping down to a frigid 18 degrees. Original.

Apparently, some people in the Dakotas and Iowa are experiencing temperatures in the sixties. Sixty! As if we needed further confirmation that Michigan is a forgotten, frozen wasteland. Let those states enjoy their mild weather; we’ll be here, shoveling snow that isn’t even falling and questioning our life choices.

Weather.com exists, apparently, to simply tell us what we already know: it’s cold. Thank you for stating the obvious.

Don’t bother looking for sunshine. Don’t bother planning outdoor activities. Just accept that February is, as always, a cruel joke played on anyone who dares to hope for warmth. Stay inside. Read a book. Complain about the weather. It’s all you can do.