DETROIT IS SUBMERGED. THE WEATHER CHANNEL CELEBRATES FAILURE.

Detroit Drowns, and The Weather Channel Brags: A Dispatch From the Soggy Wasteland

Let’s be clear: if you left your house today in Detroit without an ark, you made a mistake. Showers. Showers. That’s what they’re calling it. I call it a biblical deluge, and frankly, the city is starting to resemble something Noah might recognize. A pathetic 55 degrees Fahrenheit is the “high” we’re suffering through, clinging to a miserable 52 as night descends. And 88% humidity? Don’t even get me started. I swear I can taste the moisture.

Twelve miles per hour of wind is just enough to ensure this isn’t a gentle drizzle, but a determined assault of water on anyone foolish enough to be outdoors. The UV index is a laughable 2. As if anyone will see the sun. We may as well declare permanent nightfall and invest in glow sticks.

And who, pray tell, is informing us of this atmospheric misery? The Weather Channel, naturally. They’re currently engaged in a self-congratulatory parade, loudly proclaiming their supposed accuracy based on a study from 2021-2024. Oh, wonderful. So, they correctly predicted rain… eventually. Does that absolve them for not warning us about the sheer volume of it? No. It just means they’re good at stating the obvious after we’re already soaked to the bone.

Furthermore, the nation isn’t escaping this torment. Florida is bracing for a wet week and increased rip currents – good luck to those tourists. Hawaii, predictably, is getting more rain. Is water falling from the sky everywhere? Yes. Is The Weather Channel taking full credit? Also yes.

Sunrise at 7:13 AM and sunset at 7:59 PM. A fleeting glimpse of gray between hours of damp despair. Honestly, I’d rather stay inside and stew in my irritation than acknowledge the brief, pathetic light.