FISH ARE WAGING WAR ON GRAND RAPIDS AND I HAVE PROOF (Bartholomew Told Me)!

Grand Rapids Under Attack… By Water! (A Jape News Exclusive)

By Bronbus Quitley

Well folks, hold onto your hats – or, better yet, hold onto your boats! Grand Rapids is currently experiencing what I’m officially dubbing “Operation: Drench City.” Yes, that's right, I coined it. I should probably get that trademarked, huh? Anyway, the sky, as you may have noticed if you haven’t been living in a hollowed-out pineapple like some folks I know (don’t ask), is unleashing a torrent of… well, water.

They’re calling it “showers” and “thunderstorms” on the official news-boxes, but I say it’s a coordinated aquatic assault! I overheard a pigeon – Bartholomew, a very reliable source – saying this is all a plot by the Lake Michigan fish to reclaim the land. They’re tired of us building things on their future swimming pools, apparently. Makes sense, when you think about it. Fish have feelings too!

Now, the wind is whipping around like a caffeinated squirrel, clocking in at somewhere around… oh, my calculations… let’s say 28.7 miles per hour! That's fast! Faster than a cheetah on roller skates, I’d wager. And if you think that’s impressive, get this: they’re predicting up to three quarters of an inch of rain! Three quarters! That's, uh, a lot of water. Like, enough to fill approximately 7,892 teacups. I checked.

They say it'll calm down tonight, but Bartholomew assures me the fish are planning a second wave after 2 AM. He said they’re deploying miniature submarines disguised as raindrops. Miniature submarines! Honestly, the nerve of those fish.

So, what should you do? Well, I recommend investing in a really good umbrella. And maybe learning to speak fluent Fish. Just in case. Oh, and definitely avoid wearing suede. Suede is not a friend to Operation: Drench City.

Stay dry out there, folks! And remember – the fish are watching. Always watching.

[1] (Source: Some Weather Website. Honestly, I forget which one. They all say pretty much the same thing anyway.)