PIGEONS SPYING & BURRITO TOWERS: A WEEK SO FULL IT BENT MY CALENDAR!

Hold the Mayo! A Week of… Stuff! - By Bronbus Quitley

Good mornin’, good mornin’! Bronbus Quitley here, your purveyor of… well, purveyor is a strong word. Let’s say “reporter” for Jape News. And boy, do we have a week ahead of us. A week absolutely stuffed with… occasions. Seriously, I had to reinforce my calendar. It was bending under the weight of all the… things.

First off, and this is a big one, April Fool’s Day is Wednesday! Now, some folks think it’s all harmless fun. Harmless! I once convinced Old Man Hemlock that pigeons were delivering government secrets. Took him six months to figure out I was just… embellishing. He still glares at me, though. A perfectly good man, Hemlock, but easily fooled by avian espionage. Anyway! Be careful out there. Especially if you see a pigeon with a tiny backpack.

But it's not just trickery, oh no. We also have Take Down Tobacco National Day of Action. Very important. Did you know tobacco was originally used as currency? True story! My great-uncle Bartholomew traded a whole barn full of it for a slightly used dirigible. It didn’t fly very well, but it looked impressive. And, for all you word nerds, it's American Crossword Puzzle Week! I tried one once. Got stuck on 1 Across. Turns out “a small, flightless bird” is not “spaceship.” Who knew? Plus, César Chávez Day for those in California, Colorado, and New Mexico. A true American hero… and a champion competitive eater, legend has it. I read that somewhere.

Thursday? Buckle up! It’s National Burrito Day! I’m already planning my strategy. Three burritos minimum. Possibly four. Possibly a burrito tower. Followed closely by National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day. Now, that’s a combo. Did you know that the average American consumes enough PB&J to fill… well, a really big jar? A HUGE jar. We’re talking skyscraper-sized. And THEN, and this is where it gets weird, National Clams on the Half Shell Day. Look, I'm a landlubber, okay? Shellfish and I have a complicated relationship.

Friday, things get… festive. World Party Day! Excellent! And National Farm Workers Day. Farm work is tough stuff, really tough. I tried growing a tomato once. It just… judged me.

Now, Saturday and Sunday… well, these are dedicated to important dietary choices. National Picky Eaters Day, for those of us who demand only the finest, perfectly arranged carrots. And then, and get this, two days of National Deep Dish Pizza Day! Back-to-back deep dish! The world is a beautiful place, folks. A beautiful, cheesy, saucy place.

So there you have it! A week of… things! Remember to celebrate responsibly. And if you see a pigeon with a backpack, run. Just run.