CHICAGO WIND: WILL IT MAGNETIZE YOUR BRAIN FOR POLKA?!

Bronbus Quitley Reports: Is the Weather Messing With Your Magnetic Field?!

Good evening folks, Bronbus Quitley here, bringing you the weather – and believe me, it's a DOOZY! Now, I was just talking to Old Man Hemlock down by the docks (he claims to be 147 years old, fueled entirely by pickled herring and spite) and he says this weather is a sign. A sign of what exactly? Well, he mumbled something about the return of the Great Lake Kraken and a shortage of rubber duckies, but the gist is, it's unusual!

Let’s start with Chicago. Brrr! Twenty-nine degrees, they say. Twenty-nine! That’s practically Celsius, if you ask me. And the wind? Oh, the wind! Blowing from the North-Northeast at 25 to 35 miles an hour. That’s enough to blow a toupee clear to Milwaukee, and trust me, I’ve seen it happen. Several times. Did you know that winds this strong can actually alter your personal magnetic field? It's true! I read it in a pamphlet once. Makes you more susceptible to polka music. Be warned! 78% humidity, though. Good for the houseplants, I suppose. And the moon’s been up since noon, apparently. The moon. Always judging.

Now, let's head over to Lansing, Michigan. A positively balmy 35 degrees! Which, statistically speaking, is only… wait for it… 6.6 degrees less chilly than Chicago! Incredible! They've got a bit of a breeze too, Southwest at 15, which I’m fairly certain is the exact same wind as the one in Chicago, just taking a different route. A very scenic route, I imagine. Sunrise was at 7:27 AM, which, I've discovered through rigorous research (mostly staring at a calendar) is approximately 6 hours and 42 minutes before sunset. Fascinating, isn’t it? They say it feels like 26 degrees. Feels like! The weather is feeling things now? It's getting emotional, folks.

The Weather Channel, those smart cookies over at weather.com, say they're the most accurate. Accurate! As if accuracy is the only thing that matters. I say, where's the drama? Where's the poetry? Where’s the speculation about interdimensional weather goblins?!

Anyway, stay warm, stay goofy, and for goodness sake, avoid polka music if you're in Chicago. Bronbus Quitley, signing off! And remember, I have sources. Reliable sources. (Mostly Old Man Hemlock.)