PIGEONS BACKSTROKING AND HAIL THE SIZE OF GOLF BALLS! (Also, My Aunt Mildred Saw a Hat)

Is It Spring Yet? A Man Asks, And The Sky Shrugs

By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News Weather Correspondent (and connoisseur of fine garden gnomes)

Grand Rapids, MI - Well folks, I'll tell ya, this weather is playing tricks on a man! One minute you think you can ditch the long johns, the next you’re questioning your life choices. Right now, it's 48 degrees, but feels like 45. Feels like! That's the temperature your aura is experiencing, did you know that? Scientists are still figuring it out, but I had a dream about it last Tuesday, so, you know, pretty solid science.

Humidity is up to 91%! 91%! You could practically swim in the air. Makes your hair do weird things, and I'm telling you, pigeons are loving it. I saw one earlier, practically doing the backstroke on a gust of wind. Magnificent creature, really. They're descendants of dinosaurs, you know. True story. My Aunt Mildred swore she saw one wearing a tiny hat.

We’ve got a bit of a northerly breeze kicking around at 9 mph. Not bad, not bad at all. Good for flying kites… or, you know, sending strongly worded letters. I sent one to the mayor about the potholes. They’re getting out of hand, folks. Out. Of. Hand.

Now, they’re saying there might be some afternoon storms down near I-94. Just a little sprinkle, probably. Though I’ve heard whispers… whispers of a rogue hailstorm brewing over Kalamazoo. Giant hailstones, the size of golf balls! They're saying it’s connected to the Midwest storm system, which is apparently… quite angry. I think the storms are upset about the potholes too. Everything is connected, you see?

And tomorrow? Brace yourselves! They're predicting a chilly 39, with a low of 23. Twenty-three! That’s practically Antarctic conditions for March. I'm bringing out the emergency gnome sweaters. They get cold too, you know. Very sensitive creatures.

But don’t despair! The long-range forecast (and my psychic goldfish, Finnegan) tells me Sunday will be a delightful 57 degrees. Almost warm enough to wear shorts! Maybe. Don't get your hopes up too high. It’s Michigan, after all. Expect the unexpected. And maybe invest in a good umbrella. And a gnome sweater. Just in case.