TUBA PLAYERS ARE LAZY. FIX IT.

The Tuba: Beyond Oompah and Orchestras – And Don't You Dare Waste Its Potential

Let's be clear: the tuba is not a novelty item. It is a magnificent, powerful instrument capable of shaking foundations and stirring souls. However, even magnificent instruments deserve a little…expansion of horizons. And frankly, far too many tuba players seem content to wallow in predictable repertoire. I’ve seen enough Sousa marches to last several lifetimes.

So, you’ve acquired a tuba. Excellent. Now use it. Don’t just polish it and expect accolades. Here’s what you should be doing, and let me be blunt: if you’re not tackling at least three of these, you’re squandering a perfectly good brass behemoth.

First, the obvious. If you possess even a modicum of musical talent, you will join a band or orchestra. Don’t whine about commitment. Commit. Classical solos? Naturally. And for the holidays? Tuba Christmas isn't just an event, it’s a requirement. A shimmering, brassy spectacle of seasonal cheer. Decorate it, yes. Lights are acceptable. Tastefully done, mind you. I will not tolerate gaudy displays.

But stop being so predictable. Think outside the concert hall. Can you play jazz? You should be able to. Rock and roll? Absolutely. Challenge yourself. Expand your repertoire beyond the expected. Seek out obscure pieces. Force yourself to learn something new.

And then, because I’m feeling marginally generous, here’s where we get to the truly inspired applications. Caroling. Yes, caroling. Imagine the sheer, glorious disruption of a tuba accompanying “Silent Night.” Your neighbors will either adore you or plot your demise. Either way, you’ve made an impact.

Parades are permissible, provided you’ve secured the necessary permits and aren’t simply blocking traffic. Street performances? Acceptable, but be good. No one wants to hear a poorly executed rendition of “Hot Cross Buns.”

One particularly resourceful individual I encountered claimed to be able to imitate a didgeridoo with their tuba. A party trick, yes, but indicative of the instrument’s surprising versatility. Utilize this. Recreate sound effects. Foghorns, animal noises, the dramatic crash of thunder…the possibilities are limited only by your imagination – and your embouchure.

And finally, if you’re feeling truly ambitious, make a music video. Something quirky, something unexpected, something that demonstrates the sheer, unadulterated power of the tuba.

Do these things. Elevate the instrument. Don't let it gather dust. The tuba deserves better. You deserve better. Now, go practice. And don’t even think of playing another polka.