BONG WATER: MAY CONTAIN MUMMY JUICE & RAINBOW COUGHS!

Bronbus Quitley Reports: The Soggy Truth About Your Smoke Session!

Alright folks, Bronbus Quitley here, comin’ at ya live from… well, my basement, mostly. But that’s beside the point! Today we’re talkin’ bongs. Beautiful, glorious bongs. You know, those water pipes. I once knew a guy, Reginald, who built a bong out of a repurposed tuba. A tuba, I tell ya! Didn’t sound pretty when you hit it, sounded like a constipated elephant, but hey, it got the job done. Reginald’s gone now, sadly. Not from the tuba, though. Allergic reaction to… pineapples. Weird, right?

Anyway! Bongs. Now, everyone loves a good, filtered hit. Makes everything smoother, right? Like butter! But I've been doin' some serious research – mostly askin’ my neighbor Mildred, she’s a retired… something. Anyway, Mildred told me, and I quote, “Bronbus, you wouldn't drink the water outta your fish tank, would ya?” And it hit me. Profound stuff, coming from Mildred.

See, that water down there, at the bottom of your beautiful glass sculpture? It’s a breeding ground. Not for cute little guppies, no sir. We're talkin’ tiny, microscopic… uh… floaty-things! Bacteria! Mold! I read on the internet – a totally reputable source, trust me – that some of these microscopic fellas are related to the same stuff that grows on ancient Egyptian mummies! Think about that next time you're lookin' at murky water. Mummies, people!

And don't even think about tryin' to vape that water. I saw this one time – don't ask – a fella tried to rig up a little vaporizer to turn bong water into, like, a misty essence. Said it was for aromatherapy. Aromatherapy! He ended up coughin’ up a rainbow for three days. A rainbow, I swear! Probably just food coloring, but still!

The point is, that water isn’t purifying anything like you think it is. It's catching bits and pieces, sure, but it’s also becoming a little soup of… well, unpleasantness. It doesn't just magically make everything safe, okay? It’s like tryin’ to filter mud through a lace doily. You’re still gonna end up with mud.

I even did a little experiment myself. (Don’t tell my wife.) I took some perfectly good water, ran it through my old, uh… testing apparatus… and then had a scientist friend analyze it. (He owes me a favor after I helped him find his lost hamster, Mr. Nibbles.) Turns out, even after just one use, that water was… less pure than you’d think. Like, seriously. He said it contained… particles. And toxins. And… other things he didn't want to specify.

So, listen to old Bronbus. Change your water. Often. And for the love of Reginald and his tuba, do not inhale the water. Or the vapor. Just… don't. Your lungs will thank you. And Mildred will be proud.