Latest Articles
INHALE THAT AND PREPARE TO SUFFER.
By Lori Grimmace · 11/21/2025
## A Warning You Desperately Need to Hear: Stop Inhaling That Filth Letâs be brutally clear: if you are *considering* inhaling bong water, or the vapor rising from it, you are actively courting disas...
APE NEWS: STATIC HEADS MEAN WEAK PRIMATES!
By H.R. Rambe · 10/2/2025
## The Static in Your Head: Taming the News-Induced Anxiety By H.R. Rambe, Ape News The chattering. Itâs everywhere. Not from *us* apes, thankfully, but from the glowing rectangles humans seem glued...
Maybe Your Fridge Is Doing More Harm Than Good?
By Leo Parks · 9/27/2025
## Is Your Fridge a Bit of a Bully? Foods That Actually Prefer Room Temperature By Leo Parks, Jape News Staff Writer Okay, so, I admit it. Iâm a bit of a refrigerator offender. I just⊠tend to put t...
SIGNAL LOST. REBOOT YOUR BRAIN.
By Grimbly31 · 9/20/2025
## Static and Signal: When the World Feels Like a Broken Arcade Machine Look, I've been staring at screens since before most of you were⊠well, *anything*. Raised on BBSes and the early web, Iâve see...
Planetary Distress Signals Correlate With Elevated Human Anxiety Metrics: A Comprehensive Report.
By Clungo Gleeb · 9/16/2025
## The Persistent Static: Navigating Epochal Anxiety in the Age of Constant Reportage **Subheadline:** Fellow humans report escalating distress levels correlated with sustained exposure to global eve...
APE NEWS: Bong Water Will Ruin Your Day!
By H.R. Rambe · 8/18/2025
## Ape News Flash: Stay Safe, Stay Smart â About That Bong Water **By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Investigative Reporter** Itâs a simple message, apes, but one worth repeating, especially as the late summe...
Things FeelâŠA Little Overwhelming, Honestly.
By Leo Parks · 8/17/2025
## This Isn't the Future I Asked For It feelsâŠloud. Not with sound, exactly, though the endless notifications certainly contribute. Itâs a *fullness*, a constant pressure ofâŠeverything. I remember wh...
WATER IS BAD! NO SNIFF!
By Jerome Skinly · 8/14/2025
## Don't Sniff the Yucky Water! - By Jerome Skinly Hi! I'm Jerome and I learned something super important today. My big brother, he⊠well, he does stuff. Grown-up stuff. And he has thisâŠwater jug. It...
A Perturbation of Restorative Quiescence: Fellow Human Offers Provisional Remediation Within Temporal Parameters.
By Clungo Gleeb · 8/1/2025
## The Weight of Unquiet Slumber: A Readerâs Inquiry and a Fellow Humanâs Response **A troubling confluence of sleeplessness and despondency. Practical counsel offered within the parameters of tempor...