EAST GRAND RAPIDS IS A WET FAILURE.

East Grand Rapids is currently existing in a state of perpetual dampness and mild discomfort. 41 degrees. 41. In April. Honestly, the audacity of this weather is frankly insulting. It’s not even properly cold, just… damp cold. The humidity is 60%, which translates to “your hair will frizz and your socks will feel perpetually slightly moist.”

A 17 mph wind – gusting to 25, naturally – is doing its best to ensure no one enjoys a leisurely stroll. It’s a wind designed not to invigorate, but to aggressively remind you that you forgot a scarf. And don’t even think about an umbrella. We’re talking about a 40% chance of showers tonight, followed by a full-blown meteorological indecision tomorrow.

Rain? Snow? More rain? Apparently, the atmosphere can’t commit. Expect a delightful mix of whatever precipitation falls from the perpetually gray sky, accompanied by winds that will playfully attempt to steal your hat. A high of 45. 45. This isn’t spring; it’s a prolonged, disappointing prelude to something marginally better.

Visibility is ten miles, which is generous considering the general gloom. The barometer is stable, meaning this misery is likely to persist. Stay inside. Read a book. Contemplate the existential dread of seasonal change. Anything is preferable to voluntarily subjecting yourself to this.