HOT DOGS ARE SALADS & THE PIGEONS KNOW EVERYTHING (Plus Zucchini Wisdom!)

Is a Hot Dog a Sandwich? Or… a Salad?! My Investigation (and the Pigeon Conspiracy)

By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News Culinary Correspondent (and Expert on All Things Delicious, Mostly)

Okay, folks, buckle up. I’ve been wrestling with a question that’s plagued philosophers, late-night talk show hosts, and frankly, me, for weeks. Is a hot dog a sandwich? Or… and this is where it gets really weird… is it a salad?

It all started with a perfectly good chili dog. Extra onions, naturally. I was enjoying it, just reveling in the meaty, bready goodness, when Old Man Hemlock from next door started ranting. “It’s a sandwich, Quitley! A perfectly good sandwich! Don’t you dare call it anything else!”

Now, Old Man Hemlock is a bit… intense. He once tried to convince me pigeons are government drones sent to monitor our snack consumption. (I’m starting to think he’s onto something, by the way. Have you seen how they stare?) But his passionate defense of the hot dog’s sandwich status got me thinking.

See, the basic definition of a sandwich is fillings between two pieces of bread, right? And a hot dog… has a sausage, nestled lovingly (or sometimes haphazardly) in a bun. Seems pretty open and shut! But then I started digging. Really digging. I spent an afternoon at the library (avoiding the pigeon-drone surveillance, of course) and found this thing called the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council. Apparently, in 2015, they officially declared the hot dog a sandwich! A legal sandwich! It was all about taxes, some battle over whether hot dogs needed to be taxed like sandwiches. Wild, right?

But then… the salad argument. I was discussing this with Mildred, my prize-winning zucchini (yes, I talk to my vegetables. They offer surprisingly insightful commentary), and she pointed out: a hot dog is often served open-faced. It's ingredients on a base! Like a salad! A messy, glorious, meaty salad!

Suddenly, it all made sense. Or, maybe it didn’t. My brain started to feel like one of those inflatable flailing tube men you see outside car dealerships.

I even tried to categorize it based on color. Sandwiches are generally beige, right? Ham and cheese, turkey, peanut butter. But a hot dog? Red, yellow, sometimes green with relish! Definitely salad vibes.

Here’s where it gets really weird. I started noticing a pattern. Every time I brought up the hot dog debate, the pigeons would gather. They'd stare. And I swear, I saw one of them nod when I mentioned the salad argument. Is the pigeon community invested in the hot dog’s classification? Are they trying to control our dietary choices?!

Look, I don’t have a definitive answer. It’s a complicated issue. It's a foodstuff that defies easy categorization. Maybe it's both! Maybe it's neither! Maybe Old Man Hemlock and my zucchini are both right!

All I know is, I’m going to enjoy my chili dog, and I’m going to keep a very close eye on those pigeons. And maybe, just maybe, I'll start referring to it as a "meaty, bready, potentially pigeon-controlled salad-sandwich." It just feels right.