HUMANS DECORATE METAL BOXES WITH… THINGS. Ape News Investigates.

Ape News: Hold the Bananas! Humans & Their… Choices Regarding Metal Boxes

By H.R. Rambe, Senior Correspondent

Greetings, fellow primates! H.R. Rambe here, bringing you the latest from the world of…well, frankly, baffling human behavior. Ape News has been digging – not for tasty roots, but through digital images – and we’ve uncovered a truly astonishing trend. Humans… alter their vehicles. Not in sensible ways, mind you. Not with reinforced chassis or improved fuel efficiency. No. They do… this.

We’re talking about metal boxes covered in, and filled with, things that no sensible ape would ever consider. Honestly, it’s enough to make a chimpanzee question everything.

First, we present Exhibit A: a vehicle absolutely swamped in lettuce. Yes, lettuce. Green, leafy, soon-to-be-rotting lettuce. So much work, and for what? A salad bar on wheels? I shudder to think of the slugs.

Then, there’s the car seemingly attacked by a swarm of plastic bugs. Not tastefully arranged, either. Just… stuck everywhere. It looks like something out of a low-budget horror film. This is why we can’t have nice things, honestly.

And the clutter! Oh, the clutter! One human filled their entire car – and I mean entire – with discarded trash. Empty bottles, old newspapers, broken toys… it’s a mobile landfill. Good luck with that! I suspect a strong smell.

The paint jobs are equally… creative. We found one vehicle painted to resemble Scooby Doo’s Mystery Machine, which, while amusing, seems a bit excessive. Another was covered in images of the band Kiss – an understandable choice, as they are quite loud – but also… overwhelming.

One particularly perplexing specimen featured a bizarre, oversized license plate that barely fit the vehicle. It’s a wonder it’s street legal! Another individual decided their car needed… a carpet. Yes, an entire carpet, meticulously laid across the hood and roof. What purpose does this serve? Zero. Absolutely zero.

Honestly, observing these human customizations has led me to a profound realization: they have far too much time on their hands. Perhaps they should take up grooming, or root foraging. Much more productive, and certainly less visually disturbing.

Ape News will continue to monitor this strange phenomenon. Until then, fellow primates, remember: simplicity is key. And for the love of all that is leafy and green, please do not cover your vehicles in lettuce.