GRAND RAPIDS PROVES THEY'RE REAL (Plus Squirrels in Hats!)

Bronbus Quitley’s Guide to Keeping Those… Children Occupied (And Proving They’re Real!)

Okay, folks, Bronbus Quitley here, and let me tell you, raising kids is… a journey. A really, really long journey. Especially when you’re constantly double-checking they haven’t been replaced by highly sophisticated automatons. You gotta stay vigilant, I tell ya! But assuming yours are, in fact, genuine, breathing, slightly sticky humans – and I highly recommend the pinch test, repeatedly – you gotta do stuff with ‘em.

Now, I’ve been doing some… research. Top secret research, involving disguises and a surprisingly large number of juice boxes. And I’ve compiled a list. A definitive list, really. Of things to do around Grand Rapids to prove – to yourself, mostly – that your little ones are, well, totally human.

First off, gotta get ‘em outside. Fresh air, sunshine, the occasional rogue squirrel…it’s good for the soul! Blandford Nature Center is a prime spot. Trails, towers, they’ve got it all. I once saw a deer there wearing a tiny hat. A tiny hat, I tell you! Probably a local eccentric. Anyway, Huff Park is also good. Marshlands! Boardwalks! Deer! Though, I’m starting to suspect all the deer in Grand Rapids are working together… plotting something.

For a nice view, head up to Lookout Park. Climb those stairs, get a good sweat on. It's excellent exercise, and if they complain? See, proof they’re human! Machines don't complain! They just… function. Though my Roomba gets pretty vocal. Nevermind.

Now, if the weather's being disagreeable – and let’s be honest, it usually is in Michigan – we gotta go indoors. The Grand Rapids Art Museum is fantastic. Free on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which is a little-known fact I discovered whilst undercover as a mime. Don’t ask. ArtPrize in September is chaos, glorious chaos. Just keep a tight grip on those little hands! And the Gerald R. Ford Museum? Educational! Plus, it's connected to Ah-Nab-Awen Park, so a quick escape to nature is always an option.

For the more adventurous human children, TreeRunner Adventure Park is a must! Aerial obstacle courses, swinging through the trees… it's great for building confidence. And confirming they aren't made of wires. Seriously, check for wires.

But sometimes, you just need a simple activity. Take 'em to the Fulton Street Farmer’s Market. Let 'em pick out a tomato. A nice, squishy tomato. If they can appreciate the squish, you're golden. And if they absolutely insist on a perfectly symmetrical, unblemished vegetable… well, start preparing your tin foil hat.

Oh! And the Happy Cat Cafe! Kitties! Cuddles! What's more human than loving a fuzzy little feline? (Unless your kid is allergic. Then you’ve got a real problem. Maybe they are robots…)

Don’t forget the basics, though. Splash pads, indoor playgrounds, even just watching planes take off at the GRR Airport Viewing Area. Sometimes, the simplest things are the best.

And if all else fails? An escape room! Problem-solving, teamwork… it’s a great way to see how their little brains work. Though, be warned, some of those puzzles are harder than they look. I once spent three hours trapped in one trying to find a hidden pickle. A pickle, I tell you!

So there you have it, folks. Bronbus Quitley’s guide to human child entertainment. Now go forth, and enjoy your… children. And keep pinching. Just to be sure. You can never be too careful.