DETROIT WEATHER IS A PUNISHMENT.

Another Gray Day, Another Waste of Oxygen

Let’s be clear: the weather is offensively mediocre. Detroit is currently draped in a depressing shroud of clouds, and the temperature hovering around a pathetic 20/9 is barely worth acknowledging. Nine percent chance of precipitation? Don’t bother checking if you need an umbrella, you won’t need one. It’s the kind of dampness that merely suggests moisture, clinging to your eyelashes and ruining your mood without actually cleansing anything.

The Weather Channel, naturally, is patting itself on the back, boasting about its supposed accuracy from 2021-2024. Accuracy in predicting this? Congratulations, you correctly identified a lack of sunshine. Truly groundbreaking work.

And for those of you in Grand Rapids/Grandville, don't think you're escaping this dreariness. Weather.com offers a forecast for your location, presumably to detail further shades of gray. Sunrise at 7:46 AM and sunset at 5:45 PM simply confirm what we all already know: it's a short, gloomy day.

Winds at 8 mph? Barely a breeze. It's not even enough to ruffle the feathers of the pigeons currently plotting world domination.

Honestly, this isn’t weather; it’s an atmospheric holding pattern. A beige, lifeless existence. Don’t bother looking outside, it won’t improve your day. Just accept the monotony and move on. Or better yet, move somewhere with a climate.