SQUIRRELS, TOASTERS & STRATEGICALLY WEAK LA NIÑAS – IS THIS THE END (or just Tuesday)?

Is it Just Me, or Are Squirrels Predicting the Apocalypse? - A Weather Report (Sort Of)

Okay, folks, Bronbus Quitley here, bringing you the real lowdown on today’s weather. Forget those stuffy meteorologists with their swirling radar images! I’ve been observing. Really observing. And what I’ve seen… well, it's unsettling.

Let’s start with the temperature. It's…a temperature. Somewhere between “not freezing” and “sweaty,” depending on if you're standing directly under a heat lamp, which, let me tell you, some people are. I saw a gentleman, Reginald, near the pickle factory, practically basking under one. Claims it “soothes his aura.” Interesting.

But the real story isn't the temperature, it's the squirrels. Now, I've always said squirrels are smarter than they let on. They’re practically tiny, furry accountants, meticulously planning for winter. But today? Today they're acting…frantic. I swear I saw one trying to bury a toaster. A TOASTER! What does a squirrel need with a toaster?! I’m telling you, they know something we don't.

My cousin Mildred, who breeds prize-winning pigeons (they can predict rain, you know. Not always accurately, but they try), she says it’s a sign of a particularly potent La Niña. Apparently, this La Niña isn’t just “weak,” like those weather websites claim. Oh no. It’s a strategically weak La Niña, designed to lull us into a false sense of security before… well, before whatever the squirrels are preparing for.

I checked weather.com, just to be thorough. They said something about potential for… snow. Snow! In November! Groundbreaking stuff. But did they mention the squirrels? No! They’re ignoring the real story.

Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if we had a tornado made of lost socks. Or a blizzard of pickle brine. It just feels like that kind of day.

So, my advice? Stock up on acorns. Learn to speak Squirrel. And maybe, just maybe, unplug that toaster. You never know.

(P.S. My Aunt Petunia claims she once saw a squirrel operating a miniature weather balloon. I haven't been able to verify this, but honestly, at this point, nothing surprises me.)