NEBRASKA UNDER SIEGE! GIANT, CINNAMON-SCENTED WEASELS PLOT GLOBAL DOMINATION! (My Chihuahua Knows!)

Nebraska Under Siege! Weasels! Weasels Everywhere! (And They Smell!)

By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News Staff – July 28, 2025

Folks, I’ve seen some things in my years covering the cornfields of Nebraska. Giant pumpkins the size of small automobiles. A tumbleweed that briefly achieved sentience and demanded a hot dog. But this? This is something else entirely. We’re talking a full-blown, furry, slinky invasion! Weasels! They're swarming our small communities, and frankly, the situation is… pungent.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: "Bronbus, weasels are just… weasels. Little critters, chasing mice." Oh, you sweet, innocent souls. You haven't seen what I’ve seen. These aren’t your garden-variety weasels, folks. These are… enhanced weasels! I’m not entirely sure how it’s happened – whispers abound about a rogue scientist in Ogalala and a failed experiment involving genetically modified corn—but the result is undeniable. They're bigger, bolder, and have an astonishing ability to coordinate.

The trouble started, according to Mayor Mildred McMillan of Harmony Creek (population 312, down 17 since “The Incident”), about six weeks ago. "First, it was just a few," she told me, waving a handkerchief to her nose. "Then, it was a dozen. Now? Now it’s… I swear, I counted over seventy in my flowerbeds this morning! And they’re marking everything! My prize-winning petunias! My gnome collection! Everything smells faintly of… well, weasel."

And that smell! It's strong, folks. Like a wet sock filled with old cheese and existential dread. My sources – and by sources, I mean a very enthusiastic chihuahua named Pip – tell me the weasels are using scent glands to communicate, establishing elaborate territorial boundaries. Pip, you see, has an uncanny ability to detect faint odors - it’s a gift, really, passed down through generations of Chihuahua olfactory experts. He says their scent is a complex mixture of musk, desperation, and surprisingly, cinnamon. Cinnamon! I tell you, the conspiracy runs deep!

The situation is particularly dire in Little Pimpleton – a name I've always found amusing, by the way, but let's not get distracted – where the weasels have reportedly formed a “Slinking Legion,” apparently led by a particularly large specimen nicknamed “Sir Reginald.” I’m told Sir Reginald has a penchant for shiny objects and a surprisingly complex understanding of parliamentary procedure. Don't ask. I don't know how I know this.

These aren’t just chasing mice anymore. They’re raiding pantries, pilfering pies, and generally terrorizing the populace. Farmer Giles reported losing his entire crop of prize-winning zucchini to a coordinated weasel heist. “They worked like a well-oiled machine!” he lamented. "One distracted me with a dramatic performance involving a scarecrow, while the others… they cleaned me out!"

Now, the Nebraska National Guard has been deployed – equipped with state-of-the-art weasel-repelling technology involving high-frequency sound waves and strategically placed piles of shiny buttons. It's… a work in progress.

My sources – this time a very reliable flock of pigeons - indicate that these weasels are likely descended from American Mink, closely related cousins who, as you may or may not know, are themselves descendants of ancient Egyptian river guardians. It’s all connected, folks! I just know it!

So, what does this all mean? Are we facing a future ruled by slinking, cinnamon-scented overlords? Will Pip the Chihuahua become our unlikely hero? Only time will tell. In the meantime, I advise everyone to keep a close eye on their pies, invest in some industrial-strength air fresheners, and above all… beware the weasels.

(Jape News Disclaimer: While we strive for accuracy, weasel-related information is often subject to rapid and unpredictable changes. Also, the cinnamon thing is probably a misunderstanding.)