MARCH IS A DISGRACE.

The Calendar is CLUTTERED. A Rundown of March's Madness.

Let's be blunt: March is an avalanche of "awareness days" and half-hearted celebrations. Apparently, everyone deserves a day. And frankly, most don't. But, since I’m forced to sift through this nonsense, here's a brutally honest guide to the upcoming weeks, so you can decide what – if anything – warrants your attention.

It began yesterday, March 2nd, with Texas pathetically celebrating its independence (as if anyone cares) and Illinois and Indiana vaguely acknowledging some Polish guy, Casimir Pulaski. Oh, and “Read Across America Day.” As if encouraging literacy is some novel concept. Pathetic.

Today, March 3rd, is a particularly offensive display of cultural overindulgence. We’ve got Holi, Purim, and World Wildlife Day all vying for attention. Pick a struggle, people! Focus! And frankly, a day for wildlife is just a guilt trip disguised as a holiday.

March 4th brings us more of the same. Wisconsin joins the Pulaski pity party, and someone decided we needed "National Grammar Day." As if correcting everyone’s atrocious sentence structure isn’t a full-time job already. And "National Sons Day?" Spare me.

The 5th? National Absinthe Day. Fine. At least someone is prioritizing something worthwhile. Though I suspect it's just an excuse for irresponsible behavior.

Don’t expect a reprieve. March 6th is National Dentist Day. As if we needed a reminder to fear the drill.

The 8th is International Women’s Day, conveniently coinciding with the start of Daylight Saving Time—because messing with everyone's sleep schedule is clearly empowering. Prepare for chaos.

The rest of the month is a relentless barrage of observances. International Day of Women Judges, World Kidney Day, Friday the 13th (because superstition is still inexplicably alive), Long Covid Awareness Day (as if we’ve all forgotten), and St. Patrick’s Day (a manufactured excuse for public intoxication).

Then the UN gets involved, adding layers upon layers of “International Days” dedicated to everything from forests to racial discrimination. Honestly, it's exhausting. And frankly, half of these “days” achieve nothing but bloated calendars and empty gestures.

Honestly, brace yourselves. March is not a month for celebrating; it’s a month for surviving. And maybe, just maybe, pouring a glass of absinthe to numb the pain.