HOT DOGS ARE SECRETLY WATERMELONS AND THE DALAI LAMA IS A PIGEON UNION BOSS—I HAVE PROOF!

Is That a Sandwich in Your Hand? Or… a Salad?! Bronbus Quitley Investigates the Great Hot Dog Conundrum

Folks, let me tell you, I've seen a LOT in my time as a roving reporter for Jape News. I once interviewed a pigeon who claimed to be Elvis, and another time I found a perfectly good rubber chicken…in orbit. But NOTHING, and I mean nothing, has prepared me for the existential crisis currently gripping the nation: are hot dogs sandwiches? Or… salads?!

Now, I thought this was settled. Everyone knows a hot dog is… well, a hot dog! A beautiful, cylindrical marvel of processed meats, nestled lovingly in a warm bun. But apparently, some folks are getting all philosophical. It started with a comment on Reddit, naturally. A user named “SandwichEnthusiast42” started a whole kerfuffle, and it's been snowballing ever since!

The USDA, bless their bureaucratic hearts, says if it’s meat between bread, it’s a sandwich. Simple, right? WRONG! The National Hot Dog and Sausage Council – and these folks know hot dogs, let me tell you – they’re saying a hot dog is its own entity! A “category unto itself!” They compared it to calling the Dalai Lama "just a guy." Can you BELIEVE the audacity?! I tried to reach the Dalai Lama for comment, but his carrier pigeon was out of service. Apparently, pigeon unions are a real thing. Who knew?

Then there’s Joey Chestnut. Now, this guy, a nine-time Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest champion, understands hot dogs on a spiritual level. He lives and breathes those things. And he says hot dogs are NOT sandwiches. Not. At. All. He tweeted it, you know. A very firm tweet. I tried to get an exclusive interview, but he was busy practicing with… wait for it… a watermelon. Said it was for “aerodynamic efficiency.” Don't ask.

But hold on to your buns, folks, because it gets even weirder. I stumbled across this website – cuberule.com – and it’s got this whole SYSTEM for classifying food. They call it “The Cube Rule.” Apparently, it has levels! And hot dogs… they’re level 3. Which means… they’re basically tacos! Tacos! I mean, seriously?

And then, and this is where my brain started to hurt, someone suggested hot dogs are SALADS. Salads! Apparently, this has something to do with “wet salads” and deep-dish pizza salads… I'm not even going to try to explain. My sources tell me there’s a thriving underground salad classification society. I'm looking into it.

I even did a little survey of my own, asking folks at the local laundromat. 63% said hot dogs were sandwiches, 27% said they were their own thing, and 10% said they’d never really thought about it. Honestly, those are the smart ones.

Look, I’m just a simple reporter. I like hot dogs. I like sandwiches. And I’m pretty sure salads are mostly lettuce. But this whole debate has made me realize… maybe there are no easy answers. Maybe a hot dog is whatever you want it to be. A sandwich, a taco, a salad, a mystical orb of processed perfection… it's all good!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat a hot dog. And I’m not classifying it. I'm just enjoying it. And maybe, just maybe, I'll ask that Elvis pigeon what he thinks.