WARREN'S ARE BACK & MY CHIHUAHUA IS MORE TERRIFIED OF CITRUS!

Did They REALLY Need Another Conjuring? - A Review of The Conjuring: Last Rites

Okay, folks, settle in, because Bronbus Quitley has SEEN things. Dark things. Specifically, I’ve seen The Conjuring: Last Rites. And lemme tell ya, my chihuahua, Princess Fluffernutter, was MORE scared of the vacuum cleaner yesterday. And she HATES the vacuum. Like, legitimately files noise complaints with the HOA. It's a whole thing.

Now, the Conjuring franchise, right? It started strong. Real strong. Remember the original? That creaky house, the music, Ed and Lorraine Warren… honestly, Lorraine Warren could probably talk a ghost into doing her taxes. But after a while, it felt like they were squeezing every last jump scare out of a lemon. And Last Rites? Well, it’s… a lemon with a little bit of glitter glued on.

The plot? Oh, the plot. A family moves into a house… surprise!… haunted by a disgruntled Revolutionary War veteran who REALLY didn’t like taxes. I mean, relatable, honestly. But instead of just peacefully haunting, he’s possessed a porcelain doll. A PORCELAIN DOLL! Now, I'm not saying porcelain isn’t terrifying—my aunt Mildred has a collection, and those things stare—but it feels… lazy.

The Warrens show up, do their thing – a lot of whispering, a lot of holy water, a lot of dramatic pauses. Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga are still great, bless their hearts, but they look like they're just going through the motions. Like, “Okay, another haunted house, another disgruntled spirit, let's get this over with so we can go get some ice cream.” I heard Vera Farmiga actually requested a lifetime supply of Ben & Jerry’s in her contract. True story! My cousin works in catering.

The jump scares? Predictable! You see a shadow? BAM! Scare! You hear a creak? BAM! Scare! I actually started predicting them and yelling "BOO!" at the screen before they happened. The people next to me in the theater weren't thrilled, but hey, I’m a critic!

Now, the Tomatometer score is currently sitting at 59%. I give it a solid… 62%. And that extra 3% is just for the effort. It’s not bad. It’s just… unnecessary. Like putting pineapple on pizza. Some things just shouldn’t be done.

Honestly, if you’re a die-hard Conjuring fan, you'll probably enjoy it. But if you're looking for something truly terrifying, I recommend watching a video of my chihuahua attempting to eat a lemon. Now that’s scary. And surprisingly hilarious.