PARENTS ARE RUINING CHILDREN. PERIOD.

Stop. Just Stop. A Guide to Not Ruining a Child’s Life With a Name

Let’s be blunt. Some of you are actively attempting to sabotage your children before they even draw their first breath. The sheer audacity of the baby names I’m seeing floated around – fueled by fleeting trends and utter lack of foresight – is appalling. Apparently, basic common sense is optional when it comes to reproduction.

Fatherly did us all a favor by listing names guaranteed to haunt a poor kid for decades. Apple? Seriously? Are you planning on raising a fruit? Elsa? Do you want your son relentlessly teased for being associated with a Disney ice queen? And don’t even get me STARTED on Daenerys. That name is practically synonymous with tyrannical madness at this point. Anyone still clinging to that one is living in a fantasy world, and inflicting that on a child is cruel. Moana isn’t much better. It's a perfectly fine movie, but a name?

But the pop culture offenses are almost preferable to the outright delusional. Apparently, some people think naming their child Royal or Majesty will imbue them with, well, royalty. Newsflash: it won’t. It will just mark them as desperately insecure parents.

And then we get to the truly baffling cases. The Today Show, bless their hearts for having to report on this, revealed the list of names actually banned by U.S. courts. And it's a breathtaking display of poor judgment. King and Queen are illegal for a reason, and it’s not just to prevent delusion of grandeur. It's because it's ridiculous. Jesus Christ III? Nutella? Messiah? Are you attempting to create a lawsuit waiting to happen? Do you want your child to be the subject of ridicule and potentially legal battles?

Let’s not forget the absolute monsters out there who tried to name their children Adolf Hitler. Yes, you read that correctly. Some people are beyond help.

There are, thankfully, pockets of flexibility. Illinois and South Carolina allow numbers and symbols. Don't test this. Just don't. Hawaii and Alaska allow special symbols from their indigenous cultures - fine, if it's done respectfully, but tread carefully. California and New Jersey at least have the decency to ban obscene names.

Here's a simple rule: if you have to ask if a name is a good idea, it isn’t. Think long and hard. Consider the future. And for the love of all that is holy, don't let a Disney movie or a fleeting trend dictate your child's identity. They’ll thank you for it. Eventually.