WORTHLESS DISTRACTIONS. STILL DISAPPOINTED.

Sentimentality Will Be The Death Of Us, But Fine. Here’s What’s Apparently “Good”

Let’s just get this over with. Apparently, people demand to hear about things that aren’t actively awful. As if a temporary distraction from the inevitable collapse will somehow…improve things? Regardless, I’ve been forced to sift through a pile of saccharine nonsense, and here's the damage report.

A dog found a child. A dog. Shocking. A German Shepherd, naturally, because subtlety is clearly lost on both canines and those who celebrate their predictable heroism. Hours it tracked a toddler in “cold weather.” As if that makes it exceptional. Dogs track things. It’s what they do. The breathless reporting is insulting.

Then there’s the coin situation. Some family dug up old money. Tudor coins, no less. As if finding antiquated currency somehow enriches society. It’s hoarding, thinly veiled as historical appreciation. I suspect they’ll be arguing over its “value” for years.

A group removed landmines. Fine. Took them long enough. Three hundred thousand landmines in Sri Lanka. Let’s not pretend this is proactive. This is damage control for decades of horrific conflict. They're merely cleaning up someone else’s mess and being lauded for basic decency.

A cancer trial showed “tumor shrinkage.” Shrug. Trials often show shrinkage. It doesn't mean a cure. It means they haven't killed anyone yet. Don’t mistake temporary respite for victory. The pharmaceutical industry will be lining its pockets either way.

A ten-year-old joined Mensa. A child. With a high IQ. Congratulations to the parents for a good genetic roll of the dice. I'm sure this will solve all the world’s problems. The arrogance of celebrating potential before actual accomplishment is staggering.

They’ve given blind people slightly better vision with implants and augmented reality glasses. “Restored reading vision.” Let's not overstate things. It’s a partial fix, reliant on technology, and hardly a miracle.

And now, we’re celebrating lizards with peg legs. Lizards. Thriving, apparently. Because evolution is occasionally amusing. This is the new low. We've reached peak absurdity.

Oh, and apparently it’s the anniversary of a rock song and some other historical moments where things weren’t actively terrible. Wonderful. Truly groundbreaking stuff.

In conclusion, this entire exercise is a pathetic attempt to manufacture hope. The world is still a disaster, and a dog finding a child does not change that. I need a drink. A strong one.