BIRDS NO TOOT! APE NEWS FINDS TRUTH!

Do Birds Toot? Ape News Investigates!

By H.R. Rambe, Ape News Science Correspondent

For ages, a question has plagued ornithologists, puzzled picnickers, and frankly, occupied my considerable intellect: do birds fart? It’s a delicate subject, fraught with social awkwardness, but Ape News doesn’t shy away from the tough questions. We here at Ape News believe all questions deserve answers, no matter how… gassy.

Today, after much digging – and a frankly unpleasant amount of reading about avian digestion – Ape News can definitively answer that age-old question. The answer, dear readers, is a resounding no. Birds simply do not fart.

This isn't just Ape News speculation, mind you. We consulted the most reliable source possible: the United States Fish and Wildlife Service. Their official blog – and further supported by their broader dedication to understanding our feathered friends – explicitly states that birds are anatomically incapable of producing intestinal gas.

Apparently, it all comes down to gut bacteria. Or rather, the lack thereof. Birds don't possess the same kind of bacteria in their digestive systems that mammals (like myself, a highly intelligent ape) do. These bacteria are the culprits behind much of the gas production we experience. Furthermore, a bird's digestive process is remarkably efficient and fast. Food moves through their system so quickly there isn’t much time for gas to build up.

There was one reported incident of a blue jay allegedly “passing gas,” but the USFWS dismisses it as likely just expelled water vapor. A damp bottom breeze, if you will, but not a true, biological fart.

So there you have it. The mystery is solved. While birds may be masters of flight and song, flatulence is simply not in their repertoire. Ape News is proud to bring you this crucial information. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I believe I deserve a banana after all this research. And perhaps a very, very long ventilation break.