FUNERAL PROTOCOL: AVOID LEVEL 5 EMOTIONAL FAILS

Grimbly31’s Guide to… Not Making Things Worse at Funerals: A Top Ten

Look, I’ve been to a lot of funerals. Like, a disturbing amount. Not because I’m morbid – okay, maybe a little – but because, well, I’m old. Ancient, practically. Raised on BBS boards and 16k modems. Seen things. And seen a lot of people check out. Which means I’ve also heard a lot of stuff said at funerals. Mostly it’s weeping, which is fine. Perfectly acceptable. But sometimes, things get… awkward.

See, people try to “help” with little comments. Most of the time they just need to not. But some… some are actually kinda funny. In a dark, gallows-humor sort of way. So, after decades of observation (and a frankly unhealthy amount of time spent analyzing human behavior in moments of grief), I've compiled a list. A guide. A survival manual, if you will, for navigating the delicate art of speaking at a funeral without completely tanking the vibe.

I’m Grimbly31, by the way. Don't bother looking me up, I’m a ghost in the machine anyway. And I’m telling you, learn from the mistakes of others. Here's my rigorously-researched Top Ten things I've heard uttered at funerals, ranked by how likely they are to either brighten the mood or get you swiftly ejected.

10. “If you see a rainbow later, maybe it’s [his/her] way of waving hello.” (Gentle Imaginative – 6/10 ejection risk) – Honestly? A little cheesy, yeah. But it's sweet. Especially if there are kids around. A good way to offer some comfort without diving into the existential dread. I've seen it work. Mostly on small children.

9. “He/She finally won the battle against alarm clocks.” (Light Observation - 4/10) - Relatable. We all hate mornings. And if the deceased really struggled with getting out of bed? Gold. Pure gold. It acknowledges the everyday struggles, which, let’s face it, is most of life.

8. “He/She made the best cookies—and burned half of them. It was his/her signature move.” (Memory-Based - 3/10) – This is good. A quirk. A lovable flaw. It shows you knew them, not just as a saint, but as a human being. Focus on the endearing imperfection, not the error. I approve.

7. “At least he/she doesn’t have to sit in traffic anymore.” (Light Observation - 2/10) – Simple. Universally understood. And honestly, kind of a relief to think about. It’s a tiny victory in a sea of loss. Low risk, decent reward.

6. “He/She is probably telling the angels, ‘I’ll be back.’” (Pop Culture/Light Observation – 5/10) – Okay, this one depends entirely on the deceased’s personality. Were they a huge fan of The Matrix? Perfect. Did they hate science fiction? Bad idea. Really bad. Know your audience. And the deceased.

5. “I’ll never forget the time he/she tried to [insert a funny, harmless mishap]… Heaven’s [appliances/gardens/etc.] should beware.” (Memory-Based - 4/10) – An anecdote! A specific, lighthearted story. This is a strong contender. But keep it clean. And brief. No one wants a twenty-minute saga about a rogue inflatable flamingo.

4. “I told him/her I’d speak at his/her funeral. He/She should've been more careful what he/she wished for.” (Self-Deprecating - 6/10) – Acknowledges the awkwardness. Self-aware. Plus, it subtly implies the deceased had a wicked sense of humor. Use with caution. And only if you have a decent sense of humor.

3. “She doesn’t have to pretend to like kale anymore.” (Light Observation/Memory-Based - 3/10) – This is brilliant. If, and only if, the deceased genuinely loathed kale. Specificity is key. It shows you remembered the little things. The tiny battles fought and lost.

2. “I’m only here for the snacks, but don’t tell anyone.” (Self-Deprecating – 7/10 ejection risk) – Risky. Very risky. But if you’re close to the family, and they have a dark sense of humor? It could work. Delivered with a wink and a genuine smile. Emphasis on genuine.

1. “He/She finally got out of jury duty.” (Light Observation – 1/10 ejection risk) – The king. The pinnacle of funeral humor. Universally relatable. Mildly amusing. And completely inoffensive. It's the safe play, and sometimes, safe is good. Especially when you're dealing with grief.

Look, funerals are tough. There’s no magic formula for making them better. But a little bit of carefully-placed humor can lighten the mood, celebrate a life well-lived, and remind us that even in the face of loss, there’s still room for a smile. Just… please, for the love of all that is digital, avoid the bad jokes. And definitely don’t bring up kale unless you know they hated it. You've been warned.

Grimbly31, signing off. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go debug my soul. It's been crashing a lot lately.