HUMAN INFANTS NOT BUILT FOR SHINY RECTANGLES - Ape News Confirms!

Tiny Humans & Tiny Screens: A Primate’s Perspective

By H.R. Rambe, Ape News

It has come to my attention – through diligent research at Ape News, naturally – that a rather peculiar debate is unfolding amongst the humans. Are iPhones… suitable for babies? Honestly, the question itself gives this ape a headache.

Let me be clear. I, H.R. Rambe, have observed many a human infant. They put everything in their mouths. Shiny things, squishy things, things covered in… well, let's not dwell on that. And now you propose handing them a delicate, expensive rectangle of glass and metal? Madness!

Ape News has reviewed the latest findings. Apparently, even the human medical professionals are urging caution. The American Academy of Pediatrics – a group of very serious humans in white coats – suggests keeping little ones away from screens as much as possible, especially before they can even speak properly. They’re suggesting waiting until age 13! Thirteen! That's practically adulthood in ape years.

Now, I understand the allure. These “smartphones” offer flashing lights and catchy sounds. Some humans believe this provides “stimulation.” But Ape News points out that stimulation is readily available in the natural world! A colorful leaf, the gentle sway of a branch, a playful sibling… these are far superior to a glowing rectangle.

The experts at Ape News have discovered that too much screen time can lead to all sorts of problems: weight gain, sleeplessness, and difficulty focusing. Even more concerning, it could lead to the little humans being anxious and depressed. Honestly, a good romp in the sunshine is much better for the spirits.

Instead of handing a baby an iPhone, try something…revolutionary. How about a colorful block? A soft plush toy? Or – dare I suggest it – interaction with a caring adult? These activities promote healthy development and build strong bonds.

It seems obvious to this ape. Babies need love, attention, and things they can safely explore. They do not need access to the internet. Let’s leave the smartphones to the grown-ups – and even then, perhaps we should all spend a little less time staring at them.