TIBER’S TRADING SARDINES WITH A RETIRED, REGRETFUL, AND POSSIBLY ADORABLE SEA GOD! (Plus, My Extensive Gnome Knowledge Confirms Something Is Happening)

Local Man Claims to Have Negotiated Fishing Rights with…a Giant Squid-Faced Octopus God?

By Bronbus Quitley, Jape News – April 22, 2026

Now, listen, folks, you won’t believe the story I got today. I was down by the docks – beautiful docks, by the way, they just repainted them that lovely shade of periwinkle – and I ran into Old Man Tiber, you know, the guy who smells perpetually of brine and questionable life choices? Anyway, Tiber’s claiming he’s struck a deal. A deal, I tell you!

With Cthulhu.

Yes, the Cthulhu. Apparently, this isn't the Cthulhu you read about in those spooky pamphlets, no sir. Tiber says he's a bit of a softie. A misunderstood cephalopod, really.

“He’s just lonely, Bronbus,” Tiber explained, while trying to sell me a chipped teacup he swore was once owned by Marie Curie. “Lonely and wants a consistent supply of…well, sardines. Apparently, the deep sea diet gets a bit dull after a few millennia.”

Now, I’m a journalist, a man of science, mostly. I’ve cataloged over 300 varieties of garden gnome, so I know a thing or two about…things. But Cthulhu? This is new. Tiber claims he’s been communicating with the Great Old One for years, sending messages down via specially trained seagulls – apparently, Cthulhu appreciates a good aerial messenger.

He says it started with a particularly bountiful cod catch. Tiber figured someone was influencing the fish, and after a few weeks of leaving out offerings of pickled herring, well, let’s just say a very large shadow appeared on the water. And then, the chanting started. Not the scary stuff you hear in movies, mind you. Tiber describes it as more of a “low, rumbling baritone with a hint of regret.”

According to Tiber, Cthulhu is less about world domination and more about maintaining a quiet retirement. He’s apparently tired of all the fuss and just wants to peacefully…dream? Yes, dream! Can you imagine? A giant, tentacled deity taking naps? It's adorable, really.

The deal, Tiber says, is simple. A weekly shipment of sardines, delivered by Tiber himself, in exchange for guaranteeing a good fishing season for the local fleet. Tiber assures me the fish are plump and happy, all thanks to Cthulhu’s…benevolent influence.

Now, I checked with the Coast Guard, and they haven’t reported any unusually large squid sightings. But they did mention a strange increase in sardine deliveries to Tiber's shack. Coincidence? I think not!

I tried to get a statement from a marine biologist, Dr. Aris Thorne, but he was too busy researching the migratory patterns of the Peruvian Pinktoe Tarantula – fascinating creatures, really, though I suspect they're secretly in league with the pigeons – to comment.

So, there you have it. Is Old Man Tiber completely off his rocker? Probably. But frankly, a little mystery makes life interesting, wouldn’t you agree? And if you happen to see a giant, green, octopus-headed figure lurking offshore, just wave politely and offer him a sardine. You never know.